


So Much Ado my Love (T'was Not for Talk at All)

by yasmamamercury (Em_1)



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Animal Death, Bathing/Washing, Begging, Blow Jobs, Christmas, Communication, Depression, Dirty Talk, Dom John Deacon, Dom/sub, Drinking, Early Queen (Band), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, New Year's Eve, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Polyamory, Reconciliation, Self-Harm, Sub Brian May, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:07:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 34,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23291425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Em_1/pseuds/yasmamamercury
Summary: Shortly after Christmas of 1971, Brian is set with the difficult task of putting down his childhood dog. While Freddie, Roger, and John are there to support him, for Brian, the grips of depression are stronger than ever.
Relationships: John Deacon/Brian May/Freddie Mercury/Roger Taylor
Comments: 32
Kudos: 61





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a sad one, folks! Please heed the tags as they’ll be updated with every new chapter that comes out - and we’ll be getting very real with discussions of depression and death/loss. But, I promise that there will be a happy ending for our boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning that this chapter contains descriptions of animal death.
> 
> I have to give a great big thank you to Havvy @deHavilland for being my beta. Reading her comments and suggestions give me a better understanding of my own story, which is amazing. This story wouldn’t be half of what it is without her hard work 💕

"It’ll have to be done before Christmas because your father and I are away that week."

"Not before Christmas, Mum,” Brian said with a heavy heart. “Let us have one last one together."

At the other end of the line, his mum sighed. It was high and restrained, barely audible but Brian recognized it nonetheless; he did the exact same thing during practice sometimes when things weren't going as smoothly as he wanted them to. Finally, it seemed as if his mother had come to a decision, 

"Alright, but you'll have to take her while we’re gone and do it yourself after.”

Brian had been floating on a high since the band finished recording their demo tracks earlier during the month, but with the news his mother delivered, he felt himself jolted back down the earth. He swallowed around the lump in his throat and tried his best to breathe through it. 

“Brian?” She prodded gently, voice soft, “You know this has to be done before the new year. It’s time, love."

"I know, Mum.” Brian’s chest tightened, “I'll do it after Christmas."

“Alright.” For a beat both of them were quiet. “We’ll speak soon, dear.”

They said goodnight and once Brian had hung up the phone, he leaned back against the deep red wallpaper that covered the entry hall and sank to the floor. He kept his knees close to his chest by wrapping his arms around them and then laid his cheek on top, staring blankly at the front door. When tears started to prick his eyes he screwed them shut, refusing to let any fall. There were still two weeks until Christmas, he couldn’t start crying about it now. 

The front door opened and the cold from the hall that came through jerked Brian out of his thoughts. He looked up to find Freddie grumbling as he came in until he pushed the door back with a slam and slumped against it, moving strands of his dark hair out of his face. 

“It’s so bloody, fucking cold out there,” He spat, elegantly taking off his gloves before tossing them on the bench and starting to unravel his scarf. 

Brian shivered when the last of the breeze reached him and Freddie’s dark brown eyes quickly zeroed in. “What happened, my darling?” The layer of bitterness he’d carried through the door with him shed along with his coat, his voice was now laced with soft concern as he made his way over to Brian and settled down beside him. 

Brian could barely muster up the strength to tell him, worried that once he said it out loud, it would be too real. Then he really wouldn’t be able to keep from crying. But Freddie’s eyes were clouded with worry as he pulled Brian into his arms and Brian found himself saying, voice barely above a whisper, “Mum says it’s time to put Star down.” 

Freddie’s arms tightened around him, “Oh, sweetheart, oh, baby. I’m so sorry.” 

Brian burrowed deeper into the comfort of Freddie’s chest, his steady heartbeat an anchor to the world Brian’s mind kept trying to stray from. Freddie knew all too well the heartbreak that came with losing a pet. And Freddie also knew all too well that Star was much more than just a pet to Brian. 

“Did she say when?”

“I have to go pick her up before Christmas and do it sometime after.” A thought occurred to Brian, causing him to look up, “Is it okay if she stays with us for a bit, Fred?” 

Freddie smiled sweetly at him, “It’s more than okay with me, darling. We’ll have to check with Roger and John, of course, but I don’t see it being a problem.” 

“When are they due back?”

Freddie hummed and checked the clock on the wall, “Another hour or so, I’d say. Let’s get you somewhere more comfortable while we wait for them.” 

Brian nodded against him. He hoped having Star around for a bit wouldn’t be a problem with the other two either. He didn’t think it would, but there was always that voice in his head telling him that he was wrong - that he shouldn’t be imposing on the rest of them. 

Before he could spiral further, Freddie pressed his lips against his forehead and whispered, “We’re going to get you through this, Brimi.” 

Brian’s chest tightened again, knowing he was about to enter yet another very difficult period in his life. 

* * *

A few days before Christmas, Roger drove Brian up to his parents’ house to pick up Star. Brian supposed he could’ve asked John to drive, seeing as Roger should, technically, have been studying for his final exam, but Star didn’t know John the way she knew Roger. Plus, Brian wanted her to be as comfortable as possible given that she hated car rides. He knew that Star would remember Roger - she remembered anyone that took the time to rub her belly. 

The car pulled into his parents’ driveway and Brian glanced at the time on the dashboard, “You know, it’s supposed to take a bit longer than an hour to get here from London, right? Not just forty minutes.” 

Roger grinned at him as they got out of the car, his bright blue eyes sparkled with the little bit of mischief that was always hidden within them. When they met around the front of the car and went up the walkway together, he snuck his arm around Brian’s waist and pulled him close.

“I just wanted to give you as much time with her as I could, Brimi.” 

The bright sun made Roger’s long, blond hair seem like a glowing halo around his head. That, coupled with the way he was smiling up at Brian - warm and kind - was enough to make Brian’s knees go weak. He dipped his head down to brush a kiss against Roger’s pink lips.“Thank you.” 

Left with nothing to do but knock, Brian took a deep breath before rapping his fist against his childhood front door and pushing it open to step inside. He and Roger had just barely finished stepping out of their coats and boots when Brian’s mum walked in from the kitchen to greet them.

“Hi, Mum.”

“Hi, Mrs. May,” Roger said, going right up to drop a kiss on her cheek. 

She gave his arm a squeeze and smiled, “Always a pleasure to see you, Roger.”

Roger turned back and grinned at Brian, his tongue just cheekily teasing out between his teeth, before venturing into the sitting room. They had been friends long enough that Roger didn’t need an invitation to make himself at home. 

“Where’s Star?” Brian asked his mum as they trailed behind Roger. It was unusual for him to come home and not have her greet him at the door. 

“Snoring away on the sofa. Her hearing’s going, I doubt she realizes you’re here.” 

Sure enough, when Brian walked in, Star was curled up on her favourite spot on the sofa, eyes closed, completely unaware of her visitors. Brian’s heart clenched as he realized how grey her coat had gotten since his last visit. The once beautiful sea of black had faded to a dark grey - leaving only speckles of it behind. And the grey she once had was now faded almost completely to white. He’d been lucky, fourteen years was a long time to have a dog. 

“Star,” Brian called as he sat beside her, “Wake up, sweet pea.”

She stirred as he began to rub behind her ear, and when she cracked her eyes open, Brian noticed that while they were once a deep brown, they had begun to cloud over. 

Another sign of her age. As soon as she recognized him, her tail started wagging at a surprisingly quick speed and she began to bark, throwing her head back as she howled with glee at seeing Brian again. 

Brian laughed, “That much, huh? Well, I missed you a lot too.”

Star just wiggled up onto his lap, although slower and stiffer than before, and began to lick at his cheek.

“How are you?” He asked her, rubbing along her back and kissing the side of her face. 

He could feel how bony her spine had become - she’d lost a lot of weight in her old age. His mum had mentioned that she wasn’t eating nearly as much as she used to, but Brian didn’t realize how bad it had gotten. 

When he looked up from Star, his mum caught his eye from across the room. She gave him a small, sad smile that told Brian she was wondering where all the years had suddenly gone.

He had been thinking the same thing and his heart broke because he knew she was right about Star - it was time to say goodbye. 

Roger had charmed his way into an invite to stay for dinner, as he usually did, but one look at Brian and he knew his boyfriend wanted to get back home. He politely declined the offer from Brian’s mum, saying their roommates had already made plans for dinner and were expecting them. 

Brian could barely suppress the roll of his eyes at Roger’s lie - Freddie preparing something successfully in the kitchen? That would be the day. 

Roger continued their conversation while Brian quietly went around the house and took anything of Star’s he wanted to keep with him along with anything she’d need for her stay with them. His father had already made it clear that anything left behind would be given to the lovely little girl in the house down the street who had just got a puppy. Which was fine, Brian didn’t want everything and it was better than throwing it all out. When he had finished, Roger helped him bring it all out to the car while Brian carried Star, recalling a conversation he’d had with his mother earlier. 

_“She doesn’t walk much anymore,” his mum had said, “and she can’t do the stairs either.”_

_“It’s okay, Mum. I’ll carry her.”_

Star had carried so many burdens and secrets for him, the least he could do was carry her into her final days. 

Once in the car, with Star seated on Brian’s lap, she gazed at Roger in the driver’s seat, listening as he chatted to her, “You’re about to get so many belly rubs, beautiful girl,” He said, taking the red light ahead of them as an opportunity to scratch the side of her face. The minute he pulled his hand away Star brought a paw up to try and pull him back. Roger chuckled and complied, easily weaving his way through the traffic, “Needy girl. You take after Brian, I see.” 

“I’m not needy!” Brian protested though they both knew Roger wasn’t entirely wrong. 

In an attempt to silence Roger’s teasing, Brian leaned over, careful not to tip Star off his lap, and turned the radio on. They sang along softly, occasionally stopping to murmur nonsense to Star as Brian kept her close, trying to make the most of every second he had left with her. 

When they got home, Brian once again carried Star, up the stairs to their flat this time, before setting her down in the entrance. 

“Go on then,” He cooed as she sniffed around on unsteady legs, “You can do it.” 

His mum had mentioned that Star kept sliding around on her parquet flooring, and Brian hoped that she’d be a little more comfortable walking on the infinite number of rugs Freddie had decorated their flat with. 

Brian let Roger take everything inside, wanting to help Star get settled in. He followed and kept a watchful eye on her as she slowly made her way around, investigating as much of the flat as she could. She got to the sitting room last and was immediately taken by their small Christmas tree, her tail wagging curiously as she sniffed around. Maybe one day they’d be able to afford something bigger and more festive, but for now, this worked just as well.

Brian scooped her up and laid down on the couch with her on his chest. Her bony limbs dug into Brian’s equally bony frame, but he didn’t care. He had his baby resting with him now, and he would do everything he could to keep her happy. 

Roger walked by on his way to settle into their armchair and gave Star another few scratches before dropping a kiss on her head. He then did the same thing to Brian with a smirk on his face. 

“I’m not a dog, you know,” Brian huffed, but he couldn’t hide the smile tugging at his lips. 

“Oh, I know, dogs are less bitchy.” There was that mischief in his eyes again and Brian laughed. 

Roger tossed himself on the chair with a grin on his face, satisfied that at least for the moment, Brian was smiling. They enjoyed each other’s company in relative silence, Roger hummed under his breath as he flipped through a magazine left on the coffee table while Brian’s focus was entirely on Star. 

Moments later, when their phone started ringing down the hall, Roger and Brian exchanged a glance to see who was going to answer. 

“I’m not disturbing Star,” Brian said after a beat, “Look, she’s fallen asleep and everything.” 

Roger rolled his eyes but got up nonetheless. “You’re lucky you’re both cute.” 

Brian smiled, “I know.” 

He dropped a kiss on the top of Star’s head and ran his fingers through her fur in familiar patterns as he waited for Roger to return only a few minutes later. 

“Fred and Deaky are on their way back with takeout.” 

“I’ve never loved them more,” Brian joked. “I really didn’t feel like making dinner.” 

The blond laughed, “Neither did I.” 

“You never make dinner, Rog. You throw everything in a pot and pray it doesn’t catch on fire.”

Roger shrugged, “Same thing.”

When Freddie and John came home, the takeout was quickly forgotten on the counter as they crowded around Brian and Star. 

It was Freddie who approached her first, fingers out, ready for her to sniff. “Hello there beautiful girl,” He cooed with a smile. “Do you remember me? We’ve only met a few times.”

Star’s tail started wagging and she wiggled a little on top of Brian as Freddie started petting her. 

With a bit of apprehension in his green eyes, John came up behind him. “I’ve never had a dog,” John admitted. 

Brian smiled at him, “It’s okay, all you have to do is rub her belly and she’ll love you forever. Just let her sniff you first and when you see her tail going that’s generally a good sign.” 

John nodded and Freddie moved over to give him space, lifting Brian’s legs from where they were stretched out on the sofa and sitting down before setting them on his lap. They caught each other’s gaze over Star’s head and Freddie squeezed his shin in support of the tough times ahead. 

John sat on the floor in front of the sofa before tentatively holding his hand out for Star to sniff. “Hello,” He said to her softly, “I’m John.” 

She licked his fingers and her tail started moving back and forth. 

“You’re in,” Brian said with a grin and a wink. 

John let out the breath he was holding, “I can pet her now?”

“Go ahead.” 

“Tell me about her,” John said as he ran his fingers through her fur and Star shifted to give him access to her belly. 

“What do you want to know?” 

“Everything. You haven’t talked about her much. How old were you when you got her?” 

“I was ten when we got her,” Brian answered, touched by John’s interest as he smiled at the memory. “There were about three different litters there, all English Cockers. I had never seen so many puppies in my life. I just stood there watching them all in awe and then Little Miss over here decided to jump up on my leg. Her eyes were darker than even Freddie’s, like little marbles. I remember picking her up and telling my mum that she looked like a star because of her markings. She was almost all black with weaves and speckles of different shades of grey - she reminded me of the night sky. I guess Mum saw that I was in love with her, so we took her home.” 

John smiled as Brian spoke, the corner of his eyes crinkling in the way Brian found so endearing. 

“And you’ve had her ever since,” he murmured. 

“Yeah, we’ve come a long way, her and I.” 

“She’s lucky to have you.” 

Brian shook his head, “No, I’m lucky to have her. She chose me, that’s what I’ve always said. Somehow she knew that I needed her and she chose me. I was always so alone and for a very long time, Star was my only friend. My best friend.” Brian’s chest tightened as the darkness of his childhood came flooding back to the forefront of his memory. 

“I told her everything, I cried on her, I studied with her, tried out new songs on her. She kept me alive. It was such a hard adjustment to live in London without her.” He paused and took a breath, blinking back the tears that had gathered in his eyes. “I always worry she thinks I abandoned her when I moved - and I would _never_!” 

“You’re with her now, when she needs you the most, Bri.” John said, still rubbing at Star’s belly, “That’s what counts. Look at how happy she is with you.” 

Brian smiled and scratched behind her ear, “That might have something to do with all the attention she’s getting.”

“She knows you love her, Brimi. How could she not? You always came back to her,” Freddie comforted, squeezing Brian’s leg again.

Roger had quietly gotten the takeout sorted and brought it to the sitting room before turning on the television, joining them. He flicked through the channels until he found something to settle on, waiting as John turned around and stretched his legs out beneath their coffee table before handing him a container. He handed one to Freddie as well and the older man took it with a quiet “thank you, darling.”

Brian sat up, shifting Star off his chest while she glared at him for being disturbed. “Sorry, sweet pea, it’s dinner time.” 

When Roger handed him his share of food, Brian leaned forward to place a kiss on his cheek, “Thanks, love.” 

He barely had time to dig in before Star had her paws on him, looking at him with the definition of puppy eyes and Brian shook his head fondly, “Alright, let me find something in here for you.” He poked around his food until he found a decent-sized piece of carrot to feed her. “Your favourite.” 

Brian noticed she wasn’t quite as quick to gobble it down as she used to be. Surely, it hadn’t been that long since he last saw her. Had she just aged quickly, or had Brian been blind to her decline? The thought gnawed at him as he gazed at her. 

“We can feed her?” Freddie asked, interrupting Brian’s worry.

“Yeah, she can have whatever she wants. But her favourites are carrots, potatoes, and blueberries. Oh, and chicken.” 

Freddie dug through his food and found a piece of chicken he could bear to part with. He held it out for Star and called to her. With Brian pointing over to Freddie, she finally figured it out and eagerly nabbed it out of his palm, making sure to lick his fingers in thanks. Freddie chuckled and ruffled her fur. “You might get more later.”

Star seemingly got the message and turned back around to settle against Brian’s legs. 

“She tires out easy,” Roger noted from the comfort of the armchair. 

Brian nodded, “Yeah, Mum says all she does is sleep.” 

“She can sleep all she wants here,” Freddie comforted. 

John turned his head to look up at Brian, wrapping an arm around his leg, “We’ll all help you take care of her, Bri.”

The boys took to Star faster than Brian could’ve ever wished for. Before turning in for the night, Brian caught Freddie singing softly to her as he entered the bedroom, where the two of them were already lying in bed. 

“Is Star kicking Roger out?” Brian asked with a grin as he climbed in beside her, rubbing a hand over her back. 

“She can’t kick me out if I get into bed before Deaky!” Roger shouted from their bathroom down the hall. 

“Better hurry then, dear,” Freddie called, “You know it takes you ages to get ready for bed.” 

Brian chuckled, he honestly had no idea which part of Roger’s bed time routine took so long but nine times out of ten, it was Roger who’d be the last one in for the night. 

“I’m almost done!” 

No sooner had the words left Roger’s mouth did John come walking through the door to settle quietly into bed behind Freddie. Brian could barely stifle his laughter at the look of satisfaction on John’s face, having beaten Roger once again. 

Freddie was also trying to keep himself under control as Roger came into the room. Their poor drummer’s eyes practically popped out of his head the moment he spotted John lounging in the last available spot. 

“Where the fuck did you come from?” 

John shrugged, “It’s not my fault you’re too slow.” 

“Deaks!” Roger whined. 

John opened his arms, “Come on then, I suppose we can squeeze you in.” 

Roger’s face lit up as he practically jumped on top of John. Freddie and Brian lost any semblance of composure when they heard the whoosh of breath leave John’s chest as Roger landed on him. 

Roger didn’t give him time to be annoyed before he started peppering kisses against John’s face, “You’re my new favourite boyfriend. Sorry, Bri,” He added, batting his eyelashes in Brian’s direction. 

Brian narrowed his eyes at him but he couldn’t stop the smile tugging at his lips,  
“Love you too, you brat.” 

He was glad there was no discussion of kicking Star out of bed - Brian only had a few more nights with her.

* * *

The next two days passed by quickly, too quickly for Brian’s taste. He tried to stay home as much as he could to spend time with Star, even though she spent most of her days sleeping, only waking when Brian moved to a different room and dutifully following behind him. 

They were settled in the kitchen, with the warm afternoon sun shining through the window above the sink. Brian had moved Star’s bed to the patch of sunlight on the floor and smiled fondly as she settled with her eyes closed, soaking in the warm rays. 

Tearing his eyes away, Brian forced himself to focus on the task at hand: Christmas cookies. It was the only thing Freddie had asked him for and Brian had to wait for him to be out of the flat before he could bake them. So, he turned the radio on to keep him company and let the familiarity of the movements guide him through the family recipe he had memorized years ago. 

Brian was just cleaning up when he heard John come home, and it wasn’t long before his arms came to wrap around Brian’s waist. 

“Hello,” John murmured in his ear before placing a soft kiss on his cheek. 

“Hi,” Brian smiled, “How’d you know I was in here?”

“I could smell these as soon as I walked in.” John stretched out an arm to grab a cookie that had cooled off on the counter.

“Those are Freddie’s,” Brian scolded lightly, giving a little tap to John’s fingers.

John detangled himself from Brian and stood beside him, giving him a pointed look before turning his attention to the spread before them,

“Surely not _all_ of these are for him?” He asked, beginning to munch on the cookie.

Brian blinked, he’d forgotten how big of a batch the recipe yielded and it hadn’t occurred to him to halve it. 

“Fine. You can put the two rows closest to the stove on a plate, but the _rest_ are Freddie’s.”

Brian had barely finished speaking before John eagerly pulled out a plate and piled on the designated cookies. They then puttered around each other quietly as John put on the kettle and took down two mugs from the cupboard while Brian loaded the rest of the cookies into a decorative tin. He padded out to the sitting room to place the tin under the tree, where they would keep until Freddie opened them tomorrow, next to John and Roger’s presents - a few new books he hoped John would like and a soft, fuzzy blanket for Roger, who always seemed to be cold, especially during the winter. He heard the kettle go off and when he went back to the kitchen John handed him one of the mugs. 

“I know you probably don’t want to think about this right now,” John started, shuffling a little awkwardly. 

Brian tensed at his words, good conversations didn’t usually follow that kind of opener. He brought the mug up to his lips to gently blow the steam away, if only to give him something to do as John continued,

“But, uh, as you know, I lost my dad when I was young,” His eyes found Brian’s across from him and John consciously softened his gaze to let his sincerity shine through, “I don’t usually talk about it but if you want to talk about it, or anything, I can do that for you - I want to do that for you. Any time you need, okay?”

John was right, Brian _didn’t_ want to think about that. Nonetheless, Brian gave him a small smile before shifting his gaze down and murmuring a quiet, 

“Thank you, John.” 

John set his mug down before plucking Brian’s from between his fingers and doing the same. He pulled Brian closer by sneaking an arm around his waist and letting his other hand rest at the nape of Brian’s neck, fingers gently playing with the small curls there. Brian let his eyes flutter shut when John pressed their lips together in a soft embrace. 

“Any time,” John breathed against him, “I mean it.”

* * *

Christmas morning started quietly, Brian woke up to Roger bringing in a tray of hot chocolate for everyone - Freddie’s had extra nutmeg and cinnamon, Brian could smell it from across the bed - his own had whipped cream on top, and he was pretty sure John and Roger’s mugs were at least half filled with mini marshmallows. Brian’s heart warmed when Roger gave Star a handful of blueberries he had made sure to bring up with him as well. 

“I already brought her outside for you, love.” Roger murmured as he lifted the covers to settle between Brian and Freddie, while letting the cold air seep in. 

“You carried her down and back up?” Brian hadn’t meant to sound so surprised, Star wasn’t big but she certainly wasn’t a lap dog either. Though she seemed to think differently. 

“Yes,” Roger huffed, nudging Brian’s shoulders, “Drumming makes you stronger than you look, you know.” 

“Thanks, Rog,” Brian leaned over to give him a kiss. 

Freddie cleared his throat, “Do John and I not get any love?” 

Brian bit his bottom lip and gave a small smile, “Better come get some.”

Freddie smirked and somehow managed to crawl over Roger and settle onto Brian’s lap without spilling any hot chocolate, reinforcing Brian’s conviction that some kind of magic ran through Freddie’s veins at all times. Warm lips on the side of his face pulled him out of his thoughts and he looked up to Freddie’s beautiful brown eyes with a smile. 

“Happy Christmas, Freddie,” He murmured. 

“Happy Christmas, my love.” Freddie dipped his head down to capture Brian’s lips with his. Beside them, Brian heard John and Roger exchange a quiet greeting and a kiss between themselves. 

They spent a few hours lounging in bed together with Star curled up at Brian’s feet. 

“Can we do gifts now?” Roger asked once they’d all migrated to the sitting room. The blond bounced up on his toes and flashed them a smile he knew they wouldn’t be able to resist. 

He was right, of course, which was how they found themselves sitting in the nest they made by the Christmas tree - pillows were scattered across the floor for the boys to sit on, they were wrapped in blankets, and beside them, the fire was roaring. Brian closed his eyes and took a deep breath, the smell of the Christmas tree along with the crackle of the logs in the fireplace and his fingers absentmindedly rubbing at Star’s belly almost made him feel like a child again. 

“Brian,” John nudged his knee, “You with us?” 

Brian blinked a few times to bring himself back to the present, “Yeah, sorry, lost in the moment.” 

Now that he had everyone’s attention, John started handing out the few gifts that were scattered beneath the tree. 

Freddie opened his tin of biscuits first, with a delighted squeal,

“I knew you’d come through, darling, I just knew it!” 

Brian grinned, “I’m happy to do it for you, Fred.” 

Freddie blew him a kiss, then eagerly took a bite from a cookie, a small, satisfied moan escaping his mouth as he savoured the treat.

As the boys shifted their attention back to the gifts beneath the tree, something familiar caught Brian’s eye. 

“Is that my amp?”

John nodded as he presented Brian with it, 

“Next time you play, you’ll notice that the hum is gone.”

That hum had been torturing Brian for months and after taking a look at it John told him he could try to work on it and see what happened, but he couldn’t make any promises.

“You figured it out? You’re amazing, I can’t believe you fixed it!” Brian beamed at him, leaning over to place a grateful kiss on his lips. “Thank you.”

John shrugged modestly, though Brian didn’t miss the sparkle in his eyes.

Next to open a gift was Roger, who was pleased to find a few new wardrobe pieces trapped beneath the layers of wrapping paper and tape Freddie had used. When Roger showed them off, Brian suspected that Freddie had gotten them with the intention of borrowing the pieces for himself in the future. Not that Roger would mind, seeing as they’d been sharing clothes for even longer than they’d been dating.

The boys took their time, each watching when one opened something, getting caught in conversation, just being together. 

“Hello, sleepy girl,” Brian said softly when Star woke up about halfway through and half-climbed into his lap. He scratched her head, “She loved Christmas when we were little.” 

“How do you know?” John asked curiously. 

Brian smiled at the memory, “She was always right in the thick of it. Either making a mess of the wrapping paper or constantly trying to climb into my lap as I opened something.” 

“Just like Roggie,” Freddie teased. 

“Hey!” Roger cried, though he couldn’t say much else, considering the fact that he _was_ sitting in Freddie’s lap, tearing at a small piece of stray wrapping paper he had found between his fingers. 

“Love you, dear,” Freddie kissed his cheek and Roger smiled, appeased. 

“Star loves opening presents too. Well,” Brian amended, “When she was younger, anyway, so that tracks.” 

Roger only glared at Brian while snuggling closer to Freddie. 

“She opened presents with you?” John asked. He was leaning over Brian’s leg to scratch behind Star’s ear. 

Brian nodded, “We always got her one present that she could open, usually it was a toy. Mum would take me shopping and I’d pick it out. Sometimes it would take me ages to decide which one she would like best. I would make Mum take me back two or three times before deciding.” 

He spent a lot of time debating if he should get Star something for her last Christmas. His practical side told him it would be a waste of money, why buy her something when she’d only have a couple days to use it, especially when they could use the money for other things like food. Despite his logical reasoning, Brian’s heart had won the battle at one point, but in the end he just wasn’t able to bring himself to do it. Day after day Brian hovered outside the pet store, but his legs refused to take him inside, while his heart wept, knowing it would be the last gift he’d ever buy for Star.

“Your mother is a saint,” Roger said, jerking Brian back to the present, “Remind me to never take you shopping.” 

Brian threw a crumpled piece of wrapping paper at him and it bounced off his shoulder. “I’m not _that_ bad anymore.” 

“He’s lying,” Freddie said, “I’ve taken you shopping, darling, and let me tell you,  
Roger is right. Your mother is a saint.” 

Brian rolled his eyes, so what if he was a thorough shopper? With a look at the remaining presents under the tree, he changed the subject. “Who’s opening something next?” 

Roger pointed to a gift near Brian with dark green wrapping, “Open that one, Bri. It’s for you.” 

Brian reached over and started opening the gift. He’d barely made a tear in the wrapping when Star started to paw at it,

“Do you want to help me?” He asked her. 

Brian lowered his hands so Star could reach properly. She gave it a few good tries with Brian helping her a little and managed to tear off a corner but it wasn’t long before she lost interest. Brian moved her a little bit closer to him as she rested her head back on his knee, having tired herself out. 

“You did good, sweet pea,” He whispered and gave her belly a few pets while steadfastly ignoring the ache in his heart as he remembered the enthusiasm she used to have when it came to opening her presents. 

Brian finished opening the gift himself and pulled out a knit scarf - navy blue with traces of a sparkling silver running through it. He held it up to the light to admire it.

“That’s gorgeous, Rog,” Freddie said, beating Brian to the sentiment. “Where’d you find it?”

“I made it!” Roger announced proudly, his smile practically blinding the boys. 

“You were knitting something this whole time?” John asked, “I thought you were just making long rectangles.” 

They all turned to look at John and he stared right back at each of them. 

“What? I’m allowed to be dumb sometimes, too.” 

Freddie chuckled as he leaned over, almost tipping Roger out of his lap to give John a kiss. “Of course, love.”

“It’s beautiful, Rog, really. Thank you,” Brian said, clutching it close to his heart. “I can’t wait to wear it.” 

“I’m excited to see what it looks like, I think the silver will bring out your eyes.” 

“You must try it on, dear,” Freddie encouraged. 

So Brian did just that, wrapping the scarf around his neck. It was nice and warm and the wool, surprisingly, didn’t make him too itchy. 

“Looks good,” John said, a hand coming to rest on Brian’s thigh to give it a squeeze. 

“Beautiful,” Freddie confirmed. 

“I love it.” 

Roger was still wearing a satisfied grin when Brian took the scarf off, careful to place it aside. 

By the time they were done with presents, it was well into the afternoon. John found a holiday movie playing on television to serve as background noise for the Scrabble game Freddie was setting up and Roger emerged from the kitchen with yet another tray of drinks - this time it was eggnog. They gathered around the coffee table, with Star sleeping at Brian’s side. Brian focused on the tiles in front of him, ignoring the little voice that reminded him he only had a day and a half left with her. 

* * *

Brian woke up early on the morning of _the day_. He’d made sure to sleep on the outside edge of the bed, not wanting to wake everyone else when he got up. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep very well and, sure enough, by five in the morning, he was wide awake. 

He quietly carried Star down, clutching her close to his chest and forced himself not to think about the fact that it was one of the last times he would carry her down a set of stairs. She groaned in pain as her joints were jostled when Brian went to set her down. 

“I’m sorry, sweet girl, I know you’re hurting, I didn’t mean to.” Brian apologized quietly, praying that she understood his sentiment. 

Cloudy eyes looked up at him and Star gave him a slow blink before dropping her nose to the ground and setting off on her business. 

Once she’d gone outside and Brian made his tea, he settled them on the sofa and turned the television on to play lowly in the background then gave Star her breakfast: as many blueberries as she wanted, topped off with one of her favourite treats. When she had finished, Brian gathered her to lay on his chest and wrapped his arms around her. He had to screw his eyes shut when she settled her head over his heart to keep the tears from coming down already. Even after all this time she still knew when he was hurting and he needed her. 

They must’ve fallen asleep because the morning sun was pouring into the room when Brian found himself being shaken awake - it was a stark contrast to the darkness he felt looming over them. When he cracked his eyes open, John was peering down at him.

“We have to leave soon if we’re going to be on time, babe.” He said softly. 

Brian nodded and swallowed around the lump in his throat. 

“I’ll be in the car whenever you’re ready,” John placed a kiss on his temple.

He nodded again and watched as John made his way out to the car. He took a deep breath to steady himself, “Alright, sweet pea, I guess it’s time.” 

As Brian carried Star out, he was surprised to find all three of his boyfriends standing outside having a smoke while they waited for him. He stared at them blankly, shifting from foot to foot. 

“What are you guys doing here?”

Freddie looked at him with his soft brown eyes, “You didn’t think we were going to let you go through this all alone, did you?” 

“We’re with you, Brimi, always,” Roger promised. 

John opened the passenger door for him and Brian ducked inside to get settled with Star on his lap. On their way to her vet, Roger and Freddie tried to make conversation, with John occasionally joining in from the driver’s seat. But it was all background noise to Brian. He couldn’t stop fussing over Star: giving her a kiss, talking to her quietly or smoothing over her fur. She was surprisingly reserved during the ride, not once did she try to reach over for John’s attention or even glance at the backseat. 

“She knows,” Brian murmured, breaking the silence that had settled. “She’s being too quiet, we drove by another dog and she didn’t even bark.” 

“That’s not a bad thing, you know,” Freddie comforted from behind as his hand reached over to give Brian’s shoulder a squeeze. “Maybe it means that she also feels like it’s time.” 

“Yeah, maybe.” 

They got to the vet’s all too soon. Brian let Star have a little walk around outside, letting her sniff everything she wanted to as the other boys shared a cigarette to pass the time. 

“I cried like a baby when it was time to say goodbye to my last cat,” Freddie said as they each gazed at Brian and Star. “I can’t imagine how hard it’ll be for our Brimi.” 

Roger nodded and passed the cigarette to Freddie, “Star was his best friend for ages. I don’t think he quite remembers what life was like without her.” 

They watched from across the parking lot as Brian picked Star up again and wandered towards them. 

“Are you ready to go in, darling?” Freddie asked, squeezing his arm in hopes it would give him some sort of comfort. 

“Don’t think I’ll ever be ready,” Brian muttered, “But I suppose we can’t put it off any longer.” 

As soon as they walked in, the receptionist looked at Brian and asked, “For Star?”

Brian nodded and she ushered them into a private exam room immediately, the other three following behind. They all crammed around the exam table in the small room - one that Brian didn’t recall ever being in, even when he was younger and Star was brought in for her regular appointments. 

There was a blanket on the stainless steel exam table that Brian let Star get settled on. The moment they walked in she had started to quiver and shake, which she usually did when she was anxious. Brian wished there could've been a way for them to do this without having to bring her here, he knew she hated it. He stayed close to her, never letting her go - partially because he was afraid she would try to jump off the table and hurt herself, but mostly because he knew these were his last moments with her. Still, Brian tried not to think about it. They were early, so after a few minutes Brian picked her up again, unable to bear letting her go. He pressed his face into her fur and it took every ounce of strength he had not to run out the door with her. 

Roger was beside him, petting Star with one hand and holding her attention, while his other hand wrapped around Brian’s waist to let him know that he wasn’t alone. 

Brian leaned into the touch, thankful more than ever that his boys were here to support him. Freddie and John were on the other side of the table, looking at him with sympathy and love. The room was quiet, save for the occasional murmurs Brian would let out to Star before giving her another kiss. Eventually, the vet came in, along with a technician. They explained the whole process to Brian.

“We’ll give her a muscle relaxant first, and once that’s kicked in we’ll be able to give her the final injection.” 

Brian nodded, on autopilot. The vet didn’t ask him to put Star back down on the exam table, instead, she let him hold her as she pricked a needle into Star’s neck - injecting whatever was inside before pulling it out. Star took it like a champ - she didn’t try to bite the vet, or cry out or even try to move closer to Brian, all of which were her usual tricks. She simply stayed where she was as Brian whispered soft encouragements in her ear. 

“We’ll give her about ten minutes and then we’ll come check on her.” 

Brian barely noticed her exist quietly as he chatted on to Star, telling her how much he loved her and how good she was being. Brian’s throat was starting to close up the more he spoke to her, but he didn’t care. She needed him now more than he had ever needed her in the course of their fourteen years together, and Brian wasn’t going to let her down. Not today. He was surprised when he saw the door open again, it definitely hadn’t been ten minutes. But he almost let out a laugh when another dog came through. Brian recognized him as the vet’s dog, who had often wandered into exam rooms when he was there with Star. Freddie and John were closest to him and of course, he went up to say hello. 

“Well, aren’t you beautiful,” Freddie cooed as he gave the dog a nice scratch behind the ears. 

John did the same when the dog pressed his nose against him, taking in his smell. “Hello there.” 

The dog then came over to get some pets from Roger, before finally making his way to Brian and Star. Surprisingly, Star seemed interested in him. Brian almost laughed, Star usually hated other dogs. His fault, probably. He had spoiled her so much over the years that she had never learned to socialize with others of her own kind. 

Star looked down at the other dog and Brian set her down on the exam table,

“Do you want to say hello, sweet pea?”

She lay down immediately, and Brian figured the muscle relaxant must be working. 

Star stretched her neck so that her nose was tipping over the end of the exam table and the other dog stretched his head up, so that he could reach Star. They gave each other a cursory sniff before Star started shaking again. Brian recognized the signs of her anxiety coming on and he immediately started soothing her.

“It’s okay my sweet girl, you’re okay.” He tried to keep the tremble out of his voice. 

It didn’t do much to help her and within a split-second, she had collapsed onto her side with her head thrown back at an angle that was clearly uncomfortable. Her body went stiff and her eyes rolled back into her head as she started to shake even harder. Brian quickly moved his hand to make sure her head was okay, but he didn’t dare touch her anywhere else as he hovered above her.

“She’s having a seizure,” He said, mostly to himself, as a reminder that there was nothing more he could do, no matter how much he wanted to. He knew touching her would only prolong the episode, Brian could remember his mum telling him about it when Star first started having seizures over a year ago.

Roger was faster than all of them and he opened the door, repeating Brian’s words to whoever was out in the hall. Within a few seconds the technician was back in the room with them, though there wasn’t much she could do that Brian wasn’t already doing. 

Finally, Star came out of it. Brian watched as her eyes refocused and her body relaxed a little, though she still looked out of sorts. 

“Can I pick her up?” He asked the technician. 

She nodded and he scooped Star back into his arms and held her close. He kissed the side of her face as he whispered to her, “I love you so much, my beautiful girl. You’re going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay.” 

Brian’s heart was in his throat and his eyes were wet. Roger’s arm was back around him and Brian leaned back against him, thankful for the support. The other dog had gone, apparently deciding that it wasn’t worth staying around, seeing as all the attention was now focused on Star. Even Freddie and John reached over the exam table and rubbed at her back. Brian had to take deep breaths to keep _himself_ from shaking.  
  
He’d never actually seen her have a seizure before - it made his heart ache more than it ever had in his life. 

Star was heavy in his arms, he could tell the muscle relaxant was working now because she was resting her head on his shoulder instead of staying alert and looking around like she usually did. It wasn’t long before the vet came back into the room, joining the technician. Reluctantly, Brian set his girl down on the exam table but he never let go of her. He watched as she struggled to hold herself up and when she laid down on her side because the effort to stay up was too much, he petted her stomach and kept his other hand on her head, stroking soothing lines with his thumb. 

The vet got the needle ready and didn’t say much of anything as the technician bunched up the skin around Star’s neck for her. Brian felt Roger’s hand running along his back but it barely registered as he bent over, needing to get as close to Star as possible. 

“It’ll take a few moments,” The vet said, once the injection was complete. 

Brian pressed his face into her neck; he thought he would know instinctively when she was gone, thought that something within him would tell him when her heart stopped beating. But it never happened. He hunched over Star on the exam table, his bottom lip wobbling and eyes burning as he fought back the waterfall of tears threatening to come down - he had to be strong for her. He scratched behind her ear the way he knew she liked. He was dimly aware of the vet placing her stethoscope over Star’s heart to quietly confirm, “She’s gone.” 

Brian was startled when her cold hand reached over his and gave him a comforting squeeze, but Brian could barely see her through his unshed tears.

“It’s always a difficult thing to do, but we know when it’s the right time.” 

The technician looked up at him with sympathy in her eyes - the look of someone who’s seen far too many families go through this - before saying, “Take as long as you need with her,” then quietly slipping out. 

As soon as it was just the four of them in the exam room, Brian burst into tears. He buried his face in Star’s neck and kissed her. Roger, Freddie, and John had gravitated towards him. Brian felt the three of them wrap themselves around him as he stood hunched over, sobbing. No one said anything, they knew Brian needed time to say goodbye. But Brian didn’t want to stay there forever - he didn’t want to be there when Star’s body became cold, he didn’t want to see her get stiff and unnatural. He had no idea how much time he had before those things started happening. So he forced himself to stand up straight, tears blurring his vision again, as he began to work her collar off. He let out another sob when he realized she wouldn’t help him lift her head to get it out from underneath her. 

With shaking hands, he immediately put the collar into his coat pocket, needing to keep at least a part of her close to him. Brian then turned around and immediately sunk his face into whichever chest was available - never even noticing that it was John’s. 

“I can’t just leave her here all alone,” Brian sobbed, one hand still stroking over Star’s belly, hot tears falling from his lashes to roll down his cheeks. 

The three other boys held him tightly, not knowing what to say. Because what does one say in situations like these? They knew all too well that there were no words that would help heal Brian. Not today. So instead they stayed as close to him as they could and kept their arms around him as he cried. 

With one final kiss against Star’s head, Brian forced himself to walk out of the exam room. He couldn’t help himself as he gave one final glance behind at Star’s greying body, lying there all alone in the last room she had ever seen. The thought was too much for Brian to bear and he couldn’t keep walking forward - stopping in the middle of the waiting room and burying his face in his hands. 

Freddie pulled him in close, not caring who was around to see and rubbed his back as he whispered in his ear, “It’s just her body, my love, we both know that her soul isn’t there anymore.”

Brian nodded into him, he knew Freddie was right. Wherever Star was, she wasn’t in the exam room anymore. He tried to pull himself together as he whispered, “Let’s go home.”

As they walked out the door, he clung to Freddie’s hand and steadfastly didn’t think about leaving Star behind. 

In the car, Brian was quiet. He sat in the back this time, curled up on Freddie’s shoulder with his hand stuffed in his pocket, hanging on to Star’s collar and dimly aware of Roger and John chatting quietly in the front. Freddie had pulled him close, keeping his arms around him and murmuring quiet encouragements between the soft kisses he was placing on the top of Brian’s head. But hot tears kept rolling down his cheeks no matter how hard he tried to make them stop

“I love you so much, my darling,” Freddie said. “Anything you need, Brimi, just say the word and we’ll do it for you.” 

Brian sniveled in the crook of Freddie’s neck and started to cry harder when his brain decided to keep replaying Star’s last few moments in his head. It wasn’t fair that she had to go like that, all Brian wanted for her was to have a peaceful passing. Instead, the last thing his baby had experienced in her life was an anxiety-induced seizure in a cold room somewhere she hated being. Brian felt himself shake in Freddie’s arms. 

“I’ve got you, my love. You’re safe, we’ll get you through this.” 

When they got home, Brian started to make his way down the hall, to their bedroom but John caught his hand, making him turn around. Brian was met with green eyes that had worry swirling through them. 

“What do you need, Bri?” John’s voice wobbled, he wanted to help, he just didn’t have the faintest idea _how_. 

Brian freed himself from John’s grip and looked away sheepishly, “I just want to be alone.” 

With that, he fled and headed straight for their bedroom. He could still hear his boyfriends’ quiet murmurs of concern, but he couldn’t find it in himself to go back and reassure them. Which just made his heart ache even more: he couldn’t even be a proper boyfriend. 

Brian buried himself under the blankets and as soon as he closed his eyes he started crying again, not that he had ever _really_ stopped in the first place. As he sobbed himself to sleep, he felt the familiar despair of a heavy darkness settling over him. And this time, he didn’t have his best friend to help him fend it off. 

* * *

“What do we do?” John asked the others after watching Brian disappear into their room. 

“We give him his space, darling,” Freddie said gently, taking John into his arms. 

Roger joined them, resting his head on Freddie’s shoulder. “What a morning,” he said with a heavy sigh. 

“Indeed,” Freddie agreed. 

They fell into a silence, taking comfort in each other’s presence, as, faintly, they could hear the sound of Brian crying drifting down the hall. 

“I just want to go hold him,” John said, voice strained. 

“I know, love. So do I.” 

“Me too,” Roger agreed. “But when Brian says he needs his space, he means it.” 

“For how long, though?” John asked, “We can’t just leave him alone forever.” 

“He won’t be grieving forever, Deaks, you know that.” Even as the words left Roger’s lips, the blond didn’t quite believe them himself. They all knew Brian was capable of spiraling but he was probably more familiar with that side of Brian’s behaviour than the others. And even then, Roger felt out of his depth, never having had the first-hand experiences that Brian did. 

The trio detangled themselves from each other’s arms and made their way to the sitting room, John and Freddie walking hand in hand. 

“Shit,” Roger mumbled upon walking in. 

“What is it, darling?” Freddie and John came up behind him. 

“Star’s stuff is everywhere,” Roger gestured to where her bed was by the fireplace, right beside one of the many water dishes they had lying around for her. 

“Should we pick it up?” John asked tentatively. 

Freddie nodded before bending over to pick up the one toy Brian had brought over for Star from his mum’s. “I think so, we can tuck it away somewhere for Brian to decide what he wants to do with it when he feels he can face it.” 

Freddie turned the toy over in his hands, it was a plushie in the shape of a bone, pink on one side and yellow on the other. He remembered Brian telling him about it well over a year ago when they house-sat for his parents.

_“It’s the first toy I bought for her,” Brian had said, eyes shining. He held the toy out to Freddie after asking him if he could mend a tear in it._

_“Mum usually fixes it up when this happens, but since you’re here with us for the week,” Brian shrugged._

_“It’s no problem, darling,” Freddie assured him, taking the toy from his hand once he had his needle threaded and ready to go._

_“She loves it.” Brian laughed a little and shook his head as he looked down at Star, lying on the floor in front of them, waiting for Freddie to finish with her toy. “I don’t know why, she’s had plenty of others over the years. But she always comes back to this one. I worry about the day she’ll damage it beyond repair.”_

Freddie noticed another small tear in the seam where some stuffing was starting to come out and ran his finger over it to investigate. He could probably fix it. Not that it really mattered anymore, but he had a feeling Brian would appreciate it. Lost in thought, Freddie started when a hand came down on his shoulder. Piercing blue eyes were looking at him. 

“Freddie?” Roger asked, “Are you just going to hold that, or?” He was eyeing the toy in his hands. 

“I need to sew it back together.” 

Roger’s eyebrows furrowed, “It’s falling apart?” 

“Here,” Freddie showed him. 

Roger squinted, “That’s hardly noticeable. Besides, it’s not like it’s ever going to be used again.” 

“I know, but Brian’s attached to it.” 

“Ah.” 

Freddie chuckled, he knew Roger didn’t quite understand the extent of Brian’s sentimentality, but at least the man was trying. He gave Roger a kiss on the cheek and Roger’s hands came to rest on his waist, pulling him in closer. He rested their foreheads together and they grinned at each other. It was almost impossible for him to be close to Roger and not smile, and when Roger ran his nose along his own, Freddie closed his eyes.

“I love you, Roggie,” He whispered, almost as if it was their own little secret. 

Roger huffed at the nickname before bringing his lips down to find Freddie’s.“I love you too,” He whispered against them. 

Freddie pulled away and flashed Roger a smile, “Now, do you know where my sewing kit is?” 

Roger thought for a moment. “I last saw it in the bedroom, I think.” 

Freddie’s face fell, “Shoot.”

“Yeah.” 

“I don’t have to do it right now, I suppose. Though I really would’ve liked to have it done before Brian comes back out. Whenever that’ll be.” 

Roger gave Freddie a comforting squeeze, “Maybe give it half an hour before going to look? Bri might be asleep by then.”

“Good idea, darling,” Freddie gave him another quick kiss, “Gorgeous and smart, the lot of you.” 

Roger grinned at him proudly, his pink tongue poking out between his teeth. 

They gathered all of Star’s things - not that there were many - and placed them in the corner of the sitting room, out of the way, but not discarded. Once that was done, Freddie crept his way down the hall, not wanting to wake Brian if he was indeed asleep. When he entered the room, he only saw a lump of blankets. The singular indication that Brian was actually still there was the puff of curls that was peeking out from beneath the covers. Brian had his back turned to the door, so Freddie couldn’t tell if he was awake or not, but he didn’t stir when he made his way across the room to one of their dressers. 

As Freddie searched the drawers for his needle and thread, he kept his ears open for any change in Brian’s steady breathing pattern. When Freddie found what he was looking for, thrown way in the back of the bottom drawer he turned around to leave, but his feet got tangled in a shirt Roger had left lying on the floor, causing him to stumble forward. 

“Fuck.” 

Thankfully, Freddie caught himself on the edge of the bed. The commotion, however, had woken Brian up. 

“Freddie?” Brian’s voice was raw from sleep - and from all the crying. He half sat up as he looked at him curiously. 

Freddie straightened himself up, “Sorry, darling. I tripped over Roger’s fucking shirt.”

“What are you doing?”

“I was just looking for my sewing kit. Do you know who threw it in the back of the drawer?” Freddie shook his head and waved his hand, “Never mind, go back to sleep, sweetheart. Get all the rest you need.” 

Brian ignored him, “What are you sewing?” 

“Star’s bone, I found another rip in it.” Freddie shrugged, “I figured if you’re going to keep it, it might be nice to have it all fixed up.” 

Brian’s eyes clouded over again and he gave Freddie a weak smile, “Thanks, Fred.” 

Freddie’s hand found what he assumed was Brian’s leg - it was hard to tell with all the blankets on top of him - and gave him a squeeze before heading towards the door, “Anything for you, Brimi.” 

“Freddie,” Brian’s voice was quiet as he called out, almost as if he was unsure and Freddie turned around from the door to look at him.

“Yes, my love?” 

“Can - can you stay?” 

Freddie smiled softly at him, “Of course I can.” 

He set his things on the bedside table before shedding his clothes down to just his pants. 

“I didn’t mean for that,” Brian stated as he watched.

“I know, but if you want me under those covers with you, I’d rather not end up in a puddle of sweat.” 

“Oh, okay.” 

Freddie settled on his back beside Brian and gathered the guitarist in his arms. Brian fell in against Freddie’s chest, arms and legs wrapped tightly around him. 

The pain that was seeping off of Brian in waves was practically tangible and it made Freddie’s throat close up. Brian was hurting and Freddie knew there was nothing he could do to make it better. There was no one for him to fight off, no cuts or scrapes for him to bandage up; the only thing that would heal him was time. He gnawed at his bottom lip in worry as his hand rubbed soothing patterns along Brian’s back.  
  
He hoped the healing wouldn’t take too much time because Brian was far from being the most patient person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we have it, chapter one of a fic I’ve been losing my mind over since November. Please let me know what you think either in the comments or on tumblr @yasmamamercury 😘
> 
> I won’t be promising regular updates, but I’m hoping to be able to wrap this up by May (maybe even sooner depending on how long this self-isolation stuff lasts). 💖


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Brian, my darling!” Freddie called from the kitchen as soon as he saw Brian settle in the armchair, pulling his knees up close to his chest. “We were just discussing plans for the evening.” 
> 
> Brian turned his head to the doorway where he could see Freddie in the other room but didn’t quite meet his eyes. 
> 
> “It’s New Year's Eve,” Roger reminded him with a grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me so much longer than I thought it would to get this chapter up, but I hope it's worth the wait! We've got a nice big chunk of smut in here to make up for the sad of the last chapter. 
> 
> And of course, I can't post this without thanking Havvy for her awesome beta skills and endless encouragement, none of this would be here without her ❤

Brian opened his eyes with no idea what day it was. It was tough to keep track when all he had been doing was sleeping fitfully as the world passed him by. The fact that the bedroom curtains were open told him it was daytime, but the view past the window was dark and gloomy. His eyes fell shut again as he tried to relieve the stiff and cramped feeling in his limbs with a stretch. He winced as a few of his joints popped loudly and let his arms fall back to his side when it hit him that the other side of the bed was cold. 

He groaned. A cold bed meant it was definitely past noon if even Freddie was up. Getting out of bed was the last thing Brian wanted to do, but he figured he should at least make his cursory appearance for the day. He could pretend to sip his way through a cup of tea before tossing the stomach-churning liquid down the sink and returning to the safety of his blankets. 

His appetite had completely disappeared, and every day was a battle to try and keep his stomach settled. With a groan, Brian forced himself out of bed and trudged down the hall.

“Brian, my darling!” Freddie called from the kitchen as soon as he saw Brian settle in the armchair, pulling his knees up close to his chest. “We were just discussing plans for the evening.” 

Brian turned his head to the doorway where he could see Freddie in the other room but didn’t quite meet his eyes. 

“It’s New Year's Eve,” Roger reminded him with a grin as he gracefully jumped over the arm of the sofa with a cigarette in his mouth settling on the cushions. His feet tucked beneath him, he leaned forward to grab the glass ashtray off of the coffee table and balanced it on his knee. 

“Oh,” Brian said, not quite able to inject much fake enthusiasm in his response. 

“We were thinking of going out, love,” Freddie joined them and settled in, plucking the cigarette from between Roger’s lips and leaving a kiss in its place. 

“Okay,” Brian mumbled, “Have fun.” 

Roger rolled his eyes as John walked in, mug in hand. He handed it to Brian with a kiss on his cheek and fingers ruffling through his hair, as he sat down on the arm of Brian’s chair. 

“What these idiots are trying to say, is that we want to go out with you. Hm? It’s been a while since we’ve all gone out together.” 

“Oh,” Brian didn’t particularly  _ want  _ to go out, but then again, he didn’t particularly want to do anything. He brought the mug up to his lips if only to save himself from having to give a proper answer. “John, is - is this water?” 

He had been expecting a hot cup of tea, but instead, there was no steam curling up to meet his nose and for once, the smell hadn’t made his stomach want to heave. 

John gave a dry chuckle, “We know you’ve been tossing the tea away.”

“Breaks my heart every time, darling, to see a good cup of tea go to waste like that,” Freddie said.

“Sorry,” Brian mumbled as he sank down deeper into the chair and rested his head on John’s lap. 

He felt his stomach growl but knew that the moment he tried to eat anything he would regret it. A groan escaped him and Brian couldn’t help it - he hated being like this, being in so much pain that he couldn’t eat. It completely sapped the energy from him, he could barely get out of bed without feeling exhausted. He wished, not for the first time, that things would just go back to normal. 

“It’s not your fault,” Freddie said gently. “We know your stomach’s sensitive right now, it’s okay, love.” 

Brian tried to flash him a thankful smile, but the gesture felt strangely foreign on his lips. Everything hurt, inside and out his body ached. He closed his eyes, trying to block everything out but the sensation of John’s fingers on his head.

“Come get drunk with us, Bri,” Roger was saying when Brian finally thought to listen.

Had he said something before? Brian couldn’t remember but when he cracked his eyes open, Roger was staring at him from across the room. Brian recognized the irritation on his face and it made his stomach knot up. 

“Are you even listening to me?” 

Freddie put a hand on Roger’s thigh and gave him a squeeze, “Gentle now, darling.” 

Roger closed his eyes and took a breath. “I miss you, Brimi,” The open honesty in his voice was like a direct hit to Brian’s stomach. “Come out with us tonight? Please? We’ll take care of you, you can get drunk and forget about all this shit for a little while.” 

Brian considered, maybe some alcohol would help. It certainly wasn’t as though it could make him feel worse. “Alright, I’ll go. But only because you promised to get me drunk.”

Roger grinned, triumphant, “I won’t let you down!” In his haste to get up and over to Brian, he knocked over the ashtray that he had forgotten was balancing precariously on his knee and sent it flying. 

“Roger,” John groaned, eyeing the mess on their carpet. “Do you have to be so destructive all the time?”

Roger peppered kisses all over Brian’s face and gave his shoulder a squeeze. He straightened up and snuck in a kiss against John’s lips with a mischievous glint in his eye, “I can’t help it, Deaky. It’s my  _ joie de vivre _ !” 

“Bullshit,” John muttered, trying to control his grin, which was difficult considering the way Freddie’s laughter was filling the room. 

Even Brian managed to crack a smile at his boyfriends’ antics. Maybe it would do him some good to get out tonight. 

* * *

“You have to eat something before we go out, dear,” Freddie called from the washroom down the hall where he was applying his makeup. 

In the bedroom Brian groaned as he picked his way through their clothes, trying to find something to wear. 

“I’m really not hungry, Fred.”

“I don’t care, you mustn’t drink on an empty stomach, my love. We want you blissfully drunk, not horribly hungover. And you’ve not had anything to eat all day.”

Brian grumbled though he supposed Freddie was right. Nonetheless, he made no effort to head towards the kitchen until John came in and laced their fingers together. 

“Come on, let’s go eat while Freddie and Roger finish getting ready.” John tugged a little on his arm to get him moving and Brian followed reluctantly. 

“I have to find something to wear,” He whined. 

“We’ll all help you choose something after. Just come eat a bit for us first.”

“What are we having?”

“Beans on toast.”

“How enticing.” 

* * *

“I don’t like it,” Brian said, after having swallowed a few bites under John’s watchful eye, twisting this way and that in front of their full-length mirror. 

Freddie immediately braved their disaster of a closet again and John groaned as he lay in their bed. 

“What’s wrong with this one?” Roger asked from beside him. If his pitch went any higher, he would’ve been whining. Which he _certainly_ _wasn’t_ doing. 

“I don’t know,” Brian muttered, frustrated with himself and acutely aware that the boys were growing more impatient with him with every new outfit he discarded onto the floor. 

He tugged at the fabric of the current shirt he was wearing - it just didn’t  _ feel  _ right on him. Nothing did. It felt as if Brian had forgotten how to dress himself. Even his clogs felt unnaturally clunky on his feet, nothing seemed to feel familiar anymore. 

A pair of trousers hit Brian in the shoulder and jolted him out of his thoughts. 

“Try those darling,” Freddie called, “I’m going to find you something to wear if it kills me.” 

“It’s killing me,” John muttered. 

The moment Brian stepped out of his trousers, Roger scooped them up from the floor and flung them onto John, who grunted at the assault, “Be supportive, Deaks.” 

John sat up and threw the trousers back at Roger with a glare when the blond dodged them easily, leaving them laying on the floor as Brian wiggled into the new pair of trousers Freddie had taken out for him. 

“Brian,” John said, ignoring Roger, “you’ve looked wonderful in every single outfit.” 

Brian felt his ears heat up as he turned to look at John, muttering a quiet, “Thank you,” though he didn’t quite believe him as he turned back towards Freddie, emerging from the closet. 

“See, that wasn’t so hard now, was it?” Roger teased John as he sat down beside him. 

Brian watched their reflections as John stuck out his tongue, which caused Roger to mirror the image and tackle him to the bed. The pair erupted into a fit of giggles and Roger squealed when John’s fingers found their way under his shirt to tickle at his sides. 

Still focused on the task at hand, Freddie held up a shirt for Brian’s inspection that he quickly recognized as one of Freddie’s own. He shrugged into it and Freddie smoothed the shoulders over,  running his fingers down Brian’s chest and straightening out the bottom hem. Freddie flashed him a bright smile before stepping back and letting Brian have a look in the mirror, “What do you think, my darling? Looks good, doesn’t it?”

Brian had to admit that the material actually felt nice on his skin.  _ And _ it smelled like Freddie, which automatically made it more enjoyable to wear. As he considered, he picked out all of the details of his image that he didn’t like. But he didn’t feel cripplingly ugly in this outfit and despite their support, he knew the boys wanted to get a move on and get the night started. 

It was rare for Brian to be the last one ready, he was used to having to wait on Freddie or Roger to finish their makeup or make last-minute changes to their outfits. Remembering all the nights he and John would sit together and share a beer or two as they played stupid games to pass the time made him smile. 

They hadn’t done that together in a while and Brian’s heart gave a pang. It was the kind of feeling that happened sometimes when reality came up to slap him in the face. Brian saw how detached he’d been in the past week and it hurt him. Both because he knew it was hard on the others, and because he knew that tonight wouldn’t pull him out of his grief forever. 

No matter how much fun he had, Brian knew the darkness would come back for him. If not the next day, then maybe the day after that, or the one after that. 

Brian shook his head to try to clear his thoughts as his gaze resettled on himself in the mirror. He turned around to where John was sitting up against the headboard, Roger now in his lap and bit his bottom lip self-consciously, “What do you think, Deaks?”

John grinned when Brian addressed him. “You look good enough to eat, babe.”

Roger hummed his agreement and Brian looked at Freddie expectantly,

“Well, I chose it, so obviously I think you look ravishing, dear.” He stepped up to the mirror and brought a finger up to gently wipe away at a smudge of liner in the corner of his eye. 

“So, Bri, is this the one?” John asked, hopefully. 

Brian nodded, “Yeah, I think so.” 

“Wonderful!” Freddie said, throwing an arm around Brian’s waist. 

Roger jumped out of bed and raced down the hall, “Let’s go celebrate with some shots!”

The three other boys followed behind him, John falling into step on Brian’s other side, his arm fitting around his waist just below Freddie’s. Brian had to admit, he was looking forward to a night of forgetting. 

* * *

They started at a quiet pub with a round of shots, as Roger promised. 

“What  _ is _ this?” John asked suspiciously, eyeing his shot glass. 

Roger shrugged, “Dunno, whatever they’ve got on deal tonight.”

“It hardly matters, dearie,” Freddie said, nudging his knee against John’s under their side of the table, “It’s just the first of many.”

Freddie and Roger held their glasses up and Brian and John followed suit, clinking the four of them together before throwing their heads back and downing Roger’s mystery alcohol. Brian coughed as it burned his throat and Roger patted him on the back, flashing him an amused grin. 

“Want another?” He asked as soon as Brian caught his breath. 

Brian nodded and blinked in surprise when Roger pulled another shot from beside him, “Where did you get that?” 

Roger winked and held up his own second shot, “It’s a secret.” He took his shot without so much as having to clear his throat afterwards and looked at Brian with a quirked eyebrow, “It’s not going to drink itself, love.” 

John kicked him under the table, “Don’t pressure him.”

Brian grinned at John’s concern and in a split second had taken the shot before setting the glass back onto the top of the table and declaring, "No one's pressuring me."

* * *

By the time they stepped out of the pub and wandered into a proper club, Brian could feel the alcohol coursing through his veins, warming him from the inside out. His troubles seemed much further away as he pressed himself against John’s back, arms around his waist, while they waited at the bar for their round. 

“Do you want to dance?” Brian hummed in his ear over the music.

John grinned at him as he turned around in his arms and tugged on his shirt to pull him even closer. “I always want to dance with you, but we do have to get our drinks first.”

He tilted his head to mouth at Brian’s jaw, as his fingers tucked some of Brian’s curls out of the way and he moved his lips to that sensitive spot just below Brian’s ear. 

“ _ John _ .” 

“What is it, babe?” 

Brian shivered as the breath of John’s words caught on the shell of his ear, “Fuck.”

John pulled back and gave him a wicked grin, “Maybe later, if you’re good.” 

Brian’s knees went weak and a warm flush crept up on his chest as he thought of all the things that could happen later. John poked him in the ribs to get his attention and Brian looked up to find their drinks had been set on the bar. They each took two and set off to find the other half of their relationship. 

Across the room, Freddie and Roger had found a round table in the corner and were leaning in close together, foreheads practically touching, grinning at each other like a pair of lovesick fools while Freddie’s hand wandered up Roger’s thigh. 

John cleared his throat as he and Brian joined them, “Hope we’re not interrupting anything.”

“Just getting warmed up, darlings,” Freddie grinned and shot them a wink. 

“Brimi!” Roger leaned into him when Brian sat down on his other side, sneaking a kiss on his cheek before resting his chin on his shoulder.

“Hi, Rog. I have your drink.” 

“Perfect,” Roger squinted, “Are you drunk yet? I promised I would get you drunk.”

“I’m getting there.”

“Well, get there faster!” 

Brian laughed, “It’s not my fault you’re a lightweight.” 

“I’m not!” Roger pouted but there was still a glint in his eye, “You just drink  _ so much _ slower than me.” 

Brian rolled his eyes with a grin and snaked his arm around Roger’s waist, letting his fingers wander beneath the hem of his shirt. Roger squirmed against him, and his warm puffs of breath brushed Brian’s cheek,

“Tickles.” 

“Yeah?” Smiling down at him, Brian ran his feather-light touch over the smooth skin of Roger’s waist. 

Roger wriggled around in his arms, biting his lip to try to conceal his high pitched squeals. Brian loved the way Roger’s cheeks would turn bright red as he struggled to fight off the instinct to push his touch away. 

“Bri, please,” Roger breathed. 

“What?” He asked innocently, taking the time to sip at his drink before setting it back down on the table. 

“It tickles.”

Brian hummed, “So you’ve said.”

When he didn’t stop his wandering hand Roger curled his fingers into the front of his shirt and in a surprisingly smooth motion, he hoisted himself onto Brian’s lap. Roger pushed Brian’s curls back to expose his neck and brought his lips down to the exact same spot John had been mouthing at only moments earlier. It had Brian whining softly in Roger’s ear, hands grasping at his back beneath his shirt to pull him closer. He gasped when Roger began sucking in a bruise onto his sensitive skin,

“ _ Ah!  _ Rog.” 

“What?” Roger asked before smoothing over the sore spot with a swipe of his tongue, making Brian shiver beneath him. “You think you can just be a little tease like that?”

Before Brian could form a cohesive string of thoughts, Roger was being pulled away from him. A look past his shoulder revealed John, with Freddie plastered to his back, kissing his neck. Brian and Roger stared at them expectedly, 

“Let’s go dance,” John said, tipping his head towards the dance floor as he swatted half-heartedly at Freddie’s groping hands. 

“It’s almost midnight!” Freddie added as he looked at them with a bright smile, his face already flushed. 

The boys quickly finished their round of drinks before getting up to dance. They were pressed together on the dance floor, letting the music guide their movements when the clock struck midnight and they rang in the new year. 

* * *

Brian had no idea what hour of the morning it was when they finally stumbled through their front door, though that was mostly due to the fact that Freddie had him pushed up against the entry wall as soon as they stepped into their flat and was mouthing against his neck. 

Brian closed his eyes and let his head fall back with a groan as Freddie’s hands slipped beneath his shirt and thumbed over Brian’s nipples. Brian’s breath caught in his throat and he felt Freddie grin against him. 

Next to them, Roger had his arms wrapped around John’s waist and was pressed against his back with his chin resting on John’s shoulder as they watched the pair against the wall with hunger. Roger could feel his cock stirring in his trousers at the display and his hand wandered down to palm John in his own. 

“Tease,” John said thickly, biting back a groan.

“You love it.” 

He pushed John’s dark brown locks out of the way to trace the shell of his ear with his tongue and John gave a breathy sigh as his cock filled out beneath Roger’s touch.

“You’re trouble, you know that?” He asked, turning around in Roger’s arms as he snaked a hand up to Roger’s hair, giving it a satisfying tug before bringing their mouths together roughly. 

In response, Roger ran his hands down John’s body before settling on his ass to give him an encouraging squeeze. 

“Freddie,” Brian breathed from against the wall, trying to get his thoughts together. Which was difficult considering Freddie had slotted his knee between Brian’s legs and was rubbing up against him hungrily. 

“Yes, darling?” Freddie’s voice was smooth, almost as if he was unbothered by what they were doing. Though the dark flush of his face told Brian otherwise. 

“Bedroom, please.” 

“Yes, yes, come on.” 

He took Brian’s hand to lead him down the hall, leaving John and Roger in the entrance to continue groping each other. 

“We should go --” Roger started eventually, but John didn’t give him a chance to finish before crashing their lips together with a sense of urgency that made Roger’s head spin. Breathlessly, he tried to finish his sentence, “Should follow them.” 

“Yeah,” John sucked Roger’s bottom lip between his teeth, giving a sharp tug. “Let’s go.” 

He couldn’t resist giving Roger one last kiss before they followed the trail of discarded clothing down the hall to the bedroom, adding their own pieces to it as they went. 

By the time they got to the room, Brian was already lying in bed, wiggling out of his trousers after his shirt had been dropped to the floor somewhere. Roger settled beside him, somehow already in just his pants. 

John climbed onto the bed and went over to Brian, whose fingers had just hooked around the waistband of his pants, “Here, let me,” he offered, pushing Brian’s fingers out of the way and replacing them with his own. 

He took his time easing Brian’s pants down and watched as his hard cock sprang free from its confines. John was aware of Freddie’s eyes on them as he sat on Brian’s other side, content to take in the show for now, which John was happy to provide. His eyes flicked over to Roger, “You too, Rog. I want to see my gorgeous boys.” 

Brian turned his head to the side as he blushed at the compliment whereas Roger preened and immediately complied with John’s order. 

John turned his attention back to Brian as he ran his fingers along his thighs then brought his head down to leave teasing kisses in their wake. Brian was practically whining by the time John’s mouth reached his cock, but he’d been good, letting John take his time, and was rewarded with hot, open kisses along the shaft. 

John had just gotten up to the tip when a movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention, “Did I say you could touch yourself?” 

Roger whined, but stopped stroking his cock, his hand falling to the side. “No.”

“Did you forget who’s in charge?” 

He shook his head, “No.”

“No? Yet you always seem to need to be reminded.” 

Brian squirmed beneath John’s hands as he tried to keep his hips down. He couldn’t stop the needy whine that left his throat. 

“Not like you, doll,” John turned back to him, green eyes blown wide, “You always remember where your place is.”

Brian nodded, feeling his entire body flush at John’s words and the kisses he placed on his inner thigh before crawling up to hover above him, not quite close enough to touch, and definitely not as close as Brian wanted. 

“You always listen to what I say, and I make you feel so good.” John licked a stripe up Brian’s neck, causing a shiver to race down his spine. “Don’t I, Bri?”

Brian closed his eyes as he took in John’s voice, nodding. 

John tutted, “Use your words, doll.”

“Yes, s’good.”

John gave him a long, slow kiss. “Sweet boy,” He praised against Brian’s lips. 

When John pulled away he didn’t go far, instead, he just tilted his head towards Roger, raking his eyes up and down his body. Roger squirmed beneath the intensity of his gaze before John turned back to Brian, “I think we need to teach our Roger another lesson in behaving. What do you think, Bri?” He bent down to kiss his neck as he waited for an answer. 

Brian’s voice was breathy as he replied, “Whatever you think is best.”

John almost laughed. It was a bit of a non-answer but he knew Brian was trying his hardest. He looked at Freddie, who had gotten completely undressed without John noticing, and his sly smile told him he knew where John was heading. 

“If I give you to Freddie, you’ll be a good boy and do what he says?” 

Brian nodded, “Yes, I promise.” 

John grinned and gave him another kiss, “So perfect for us.”

As John sat up, Freddie settled back against the headboard and held his arms open, “Come here, Brian my love. Let me take care of you, darling.” 

Brian scurried into Freddie’s lap and threw his arms around his neck as John turned his attention to Roger, who seemed to be waiting patiently for instructions, eyeing Freddie and Brian with envy. 

“Roger, do _you_ want to play tonight?” 

Blue eyes flitted to John, as Roger’s pupils blew wide and he sucked in his bottom lip, nodding eagerly. “Yes, please.”

John smiled at Roger’s change of behaviour, though his sudden politeness wasn’t going to save him from the lesson John had in mind. Bringing his fingers up to Roger’s face, he palmed over his cheek, thumb tracing his cheekbone as Roger melted a little beneath the touch. 

“Perfect. Now, I want you to sit here and watch while we reward Brian for being so good for us, maybe you’ll learn something. You don’t touch yourself. I decide when we’re ready for you. Do you understand?” 

Roger nodded again and let out a quiet, “Yes.”

“Good. Tell me your safeword, please.” 

“Red.”

“Good boy,” John crooned. He pressed their lips together to give Roger a searing kiss, tongue exploring his mouth, only pulling apart to catch his breath, leaving Roger to whine as he pulled away. 

“Be good and you’ll get your reward,” John reminded him with a light pat on the cheek.

Roger pouted but settled back into the bed, pulling one of their sheets up to cover his bare body. John eyed him.

“Hands above the blanket, babe.” He knew all too well what he was trying to do, even with the wide, innocent eyes Roger tried to give him. 

Beside them, Freddie had Brian on his knees, one hand fisted tightly in his curls while he used his other hand to stroke himself. Brian’s eyes began to water from the grip in his hair as Freddie asked, “Is it okay to be a little rough with you tonight, my darling?” 

Brian nodded fervently and Freddie grinned.

“Perfect,” He pushed Brian’s head down, “Open your mouth for me, lovie. Tongue out.” 

Brian let Freddie’s order surround him as he closed his eyes and happily did as he was told, leaning forward on his hands to support himself. He knew Freddie and John would take care of him, he knew this was one of the closest ways he was ever going to get to a blissfully blank mind. 

He had expected Freddie’s cock in his mouth immediately, or maybe just hoped for it. Either way, it didn’t come and Brian couldn’t help the whine that escaped his throat. Above him, Freddie chuckled darkly, but otherwise, nothing changed. Brian was intensely aware of the sound of his own breathing in his ears, of the way his heart was hammering in his chest in anticipation. There was nothing Brian wanted more than for Freddie to get on with it, but he was patient, knowing that all he had to do was be good. If he was good, he would be taken care of. 

“You make such a pretty picture,” Freddie purred, “Would look even prettier with my cock between your lips.”

Freddie’s words went straight to Brian’s own cock, hanging heavy between his legs as his body flushed. He tried to hold back another whine, but it seemed as though his body was keen on betraying him. 

“I love the sounds you make.” 

Finally,  _ finally _ , the tip of Freddie’s cock pressed against Brian’s tongue, and he all but groaned in satisfaction as the taste bitter of precome filled his mouth.

“Do you want more, darling?” 

Brian nodded at Freddie, pleading eyes looking up to him. 

“Go on, then,” Freddie encouraged gently, finally letting go of the grip he had on Brian’s hair. 

His fingers massaged any soreness he may have left behind as Brian closed his lips over the head of Freddie’s cock and swirled his tongue around. 

As Brian slowly worked his way down the rest of Freddie’s length, John had already taken out the lube and after pouring a small amount onto his hand, he handed the bottle to Roger, “Be a good boy and hang on to this for me.” 

Roger nodded, scarcely able to pull his eyes away from Freddie and Brian, desire pooling in his stomach. 

John settled behind Brian and gently tapped his hip, “Up for me.”

Immediately, Brian changed the angle of his hips. 

“So obedient.” John kissed the small of Brian’s back before pressing his slick finger against his entrance. He felt Brian shiver beneath him as he teased, gently working him open. 

Brian wanted more, wanted so badly to push back against John’s finger, to tell him to just take him already, but he knew that if he were to do any of those things, John would take his touch away completely. Worst of all, Brian wouldn’t be his good boy anymore. And really, Brian wanted that more than he desired anything else. 

So instead, he focused on the feel of Freddie in his mouth, the heaviness of his cock on his tongue. Brian relaxed his throat and with every bob of his head, he tried to take Freddie deeper until he was hitting the back of his throat. 

“Fuck, Bri,” Freddie swore beneath his breath when Brian took him all the way in and swallowed around him. 

At nearly the same time, John’s finger finally pressed inside Brian in one smooth motion and Brian moaned at the sensation. 

“That’s it, Bri,” John encouraged. He made sure to twist and pump his finger to open Brian up before pulling out and extending his hand to Roger in silent instruction for more lube. Roger fumbled a little with the cap, all of his attention was split between the ache of his own neglected cock and the sight of Brian before him. 

Once he managed to get it open, he squirted a generous amount onto John’s fingers before flicking it closed again. His eyes briefly darted up to John’s face to see him grinning at him. It was enough praise to encourage Roger to keep being good and wait for his reward like John promised. 

John brought two fingers back to Brian’s entrance and took his time inserting them as Brian whined around Freddie's cock. John teased him, easing his fingers in and out as slowly as possible, grinning at Brian's subtle impatience, "Do you want more, babe?"

Brian made an affirming noise but Freddie pulled him off his cock with a pop, "Use your words, darling," Freddie's eyes bore into Brian and he squirmed under the scrutiny. 

Brian's voice was hoarse when he answered, "More, please, John."

John ran his free hand along Brian’s back to steady him as Freddie thrust his cock back into Brian’s mouth with a satisfied groan. At the same time, John added a third finger and brushed up against his prostate - just to watch Brian arch his back with a muffled moan and push down further onto his fingers. 

“So pretty,” John murmured. “You always take my fingers so well.”

Brian’s head swam with the praise. He had missed this - going out together, working each other up to a point where they  _ had _ to come home, lest they be caught doing a variety of inappropriate things in public. 

They fell into their dynamic easily, it was familiar and safe for all of them; even when they changed things up, that feeling of security with each other was a constant. Brian hadn’t felt this connected to his boyfriends in a long time. 

Freddie’s cock hitting the back of his throat particularly hard jolted Brian out of his thoughts as he choked and coughed around it, fighting his reflex to pull away and close his mouth. He looked up at Freddie in apology with watery eyes, stray curls falling into his face.

“Do you need a break, darling? Does your jaw hurt?”

Even though he didn’t want to and hadn’t noticed the ache until Freddie mentioned it, Brian nodded knowing that Freddie would be upset with him for not saying that he was in pain. Freddie’s hand came to cup his cheek, almost as if to steady his head, as he pulled out. 

“You’re so good, Brimi, taking me until you can’t take anymore. Absolutely wonderful, darling. Rest now and let John take care of you.” 

Brian gave him a small lopsided smile. Distantly, he heard the telltale flick of Roger opening the bottle of lube once again, followed by the sound of John slicking up his cock. 

Content that he would get what he wanted soon enough, Brian let his chest fall to the bed and rested his head against Freddie's thigh. Freddie’s hand immediately came to play in his hair and Brian closed his eyes with a small smile.

From behind him, John crooned, "Just look at you, all open and ready for me. I can't get enough of you." John let his cock slide between Brian's cheeks, right over where he knew Brian wanted it the most. "You've been waiting all night for me to fuck you, haven’t you?"

Brian nodded against Freddie's thigh, shivering in anticipation. 

"Beg for it then. I want to hear your sweet voice begging for my cock."

Brian flushed and tried to bury his face in Freddie's lap, but Freddie wasn't having any of it, "Now, now, love. If you want to be fucked like you deserve, you have to be a good boy and do as John says."

"Please," Brian's voice cracked.

He both loved and hated when John made him beg, it made him burn up with humiliation, yet his cock stayed hard and needy. He tried again, "Please, I need you - need your cock. Please, John."

There was a moment of anticipation where John didn't move and Brian held his breath. But then Brian felt the blunt head of John's cock push inside of him and he let out a strangled groan that got choked off by a whine when he realized John wasn't going in any deeper. 

"You want more?" John asked in fake ignorance of Brian's needs.

Brian nodded. 

“Then keep begging, sweet boy,”

Brian took a steadying breath, “Please, John, I need you to fill me, fuck me hard. Please,  _ please. _ ”

Brian’s eyes stung as desperate teardrops started forming, all he wanted was for John to fuck him. He was trying so hard to be patient.

“Mm, good boy,” John praised. “You beg  _ so  _ beautifully for me. How could I not give you what you want, hm?”

“You never give me what I want,” Roger muttered from beside them, fidgeting with the blanket on his lap. 

Brian was sure that John’s eyes were shooting daggers at Roger because Roger quickly defended himself. “You never said I couldn’t talk! That wasn’t part of my rules.”

“Fuck, Bri,” John hissed, Roger ignored as he sank into Brian slowly, hands gripping his hips and watching him stretch around his cock, “You’re so tight.”

Brian bit his lip and purposely clenched around John, feeling how deliciously full he was. He heard John’s sharp intake of breath above him, just before one of his hands came down onto Brian’s ass with a loud smack. Brian let out a cry at the impact and buried his face in Freddie’s lap as tears escaped from behind his closed eyes.

“Don’t fucking do that, or this’ll be over too soon.”

The warmth from the sting radiated through Brian’s entire body and he revelled in the sensation. This was where he belonged, Brian thought - being taken care of, steered in the right direction, praised and guided. Never left alone with his thoughts.

“Were you being naughty, Brimi?” Freddie asked, amused. 

Brian looked up at him with wide, innocent eyes, blinking away the tears, “Never.”

Freddie winked at him, “That’s what I thought.”

John had taken time to get adjusted to Brian’s tight heat before he began thrusting, making sure to pull almost all the way out before slamming back in. Brian gasped at the feeling and looked up at Freddie through his lashes. 

“How’s your mouth feeling, darling?” Freddie was cupping his cheek again.

“Good,  _ ah! _ Better.” 

John shifted angles and started going a little faster, a little harder. 

“Well enough to part those pretty lips for me again?” 

Brian nodded and let his mouth fall open immediately. 

“Eager little darling, aren’t you?” Freddie cooed softly before gripping Brian’s hair. “That’s good because I can’t wait to watch you swallow everything I have to give you. 

Would you like that, love? Do you want me to come down your throat?”

“Yes,” Brian sighed, before letting his lips part once more. 

Freddie went to praise him, “Good --.”

“Beg for it, Brian,” John grunted from behind Brian. 

Brian whimpered and looked up to Freddie, who just nodded in agreement with a slight smirk. Snapping his mouth shut, Brian tried to gather his thoughts through the haze of pleasure clouding his mind just as John delivered a light smack to his other cheek.

“Get out of your head, babe.” His voice was gentle but stern. John always seemed to know when Brian needed a little extra encouragement. “If you want Freddie’s gorgeous cock in your mouth, you’ll just have to beg for it. Otherwise, Freddie might end up coming down Roger’s throat instead.” 

Still squirming beside them, Roger perked up at the idea, but Brian was quick to let the words tumble out of his mouth, “Please, Freddie.”

“Please what, darling?” 

“Let me,  _ ah!  _ Let me taste you, please,” Brian whined as John steadily increased the pace of his thrusts. 

“Open up, love.” 

Brian obeyed and Freddie guided his cock into Brian’s mouth, just teasing his tongue with the head before pulling back out. 

“ _ Freddie! _ ” 

“Well, you got a taste, didn't you? And that was all you asked for. If you wanted something else you should’ve been more specific.” Freddie stroked his cock lazily as he watched John take Brian apart with a smirk.

Glassy hazel eyes looked up at him, “Can you fuck my mouth? Please?” Brian’s voice was soft and hesitant, but he kept going, “I love choking on you. Please, Freddie? I really want you to come in my mouth, please.” 

A desperate tear rolled down Brian’s face and his cheeks were flushed bright red, both from effort and embarrassment. Freddie looked to John, who gave a slight nod. 

“I’m happy to give you everything you want, my darling,” Freddie comforted before bringing his cock back up to Brian’s lips. 

Brian took Freddie’s length in his mouth and eagerly started working his way down the shaft before Freddie pulled his head back. 

“I love your enthusiasm, sweetheart, but let me take care of you. Just sit back and take it, like the good boy we know you are.” Freddie was careful with his thrusts into Brian’s mouth at first, but with the way he was moaning around him, Freddie’s pace quickly worked up to match John’s. 

He could feel the head of his cock hit the back of Brian’s throat with every thrust. It wasn't long before Freddie was chasing  _ more,  _ deeper, faster. Brian gagged around him and while Freddie eased off a little, he knew Brian could take it. 

Beside them, Roger gave a restless whine and Freddie forced himself to ignore it - that was the purpose of his punishment, after all. But just the reminder that there was another person watching as Freddie and John filled Brian from both ends was enough to bring Freddie to the edge. 

“Fuck, Bri,” Freddie panted, “Gonna come, darling.”

“Come on, Freddie,” John encouraged, never faltering his pace and always keeping his heavy gaze on Freddie. “Come for us, babe. Show us how beautiful you are when we take you apart like this.” 

Freddie groaned as he pressed Brian’s face as close as he could, making sure to spill himself directly down his throat, as promised, as his orgasm overtook him. The noises Brian made were an addictive mix of gags and groans that coaxed every last bit of come from Freddie’s cock. 

“Are you okay, love?” Freddie asked, pulling out fairly quickly to let Brian catch his breath.

When Brian nodded with his shy smile, Freddie bent down to place a kiss on his forehead among all the stray curls that were plastered there. “You did so well, such a good boy for me. You made me feel so fucking good.”

Brian practically glowed at the praise, though the elegance was shattered moments later when John decided to angle himself just right to make him cry out. 

“And I believe you’re about to make our darling John feel just as good,” Freddie grinned. 

“You’ve been so good for us,” John praised, “I can’t wait to come inside you, I’ve been thinking about it all night.”

Brian’s head was resting on Freddie’s thigh again as he keened. 

“Would you like that, Bri?” 

Bri nodded and forced out a small, “Please.” 

He hoped John wouldn’t make him beg again because Brian was positive he was beyond words now. Luckily, John seemed to realize this too and instead, Brian got to listen to a filthy string of words leave his lips. 

“You’ve been thinking about it too, haven’t you? Thinking about how it’ll feel when you have my hot come dripping down your thighs, knowing that’s your reward for doing everything we’ve asked of you, taking everything we have to give you.” 

John’s words enveloped Brian and he got lost in them as his desire burned even hotter, even brighter than it had before. Brian was painfully hard but he was too lost in the feeling of John pounding into him to care much about anything else. 

John’s breathing was ragged as he finally reached his peak and gripped Brian’s hips hard enough to leave bruises. He gave one last deep thrust and came with Brian’s name on his lips. 

For a moment, John slumped over him, taking the time to kiss between Brian’s shoulder blades and whisper tender words against his skin as he caught his breath, “I love you, Bri.”

Brian just hummed, and John couldn’t help but chuckle. At least his words had been acknowledged in some way. He gave Brian another few kisses before pulling out, taking care not to hurt him. 

“You were so good, amazing, beautiful,” John praised, still a little breathless. “We’re going to take such good care of you. Can you turn over for me, babe?” 

Brian rolled onto his back and settled his head onto Freddie’s thighs once more as Freddie’s fingers came up on their own to trace soothing patterns on his head. When Brian looked at John, he was flushed and shiny with effort but his green eyes were gazing at Brian with absolute adoration. 

“You’re pretty,” Brian whispered, unsure if he had meant to say it out loud. 

John ducked his head as he smiled. When his shyness passed, he hovered over Brian to give him a long, slow kiss and when he pulled away, all his dominance had returned, “You must be so hard,” He murmured. 

Brian nodded and whined as John let his fingers trail slowly down his lanky body. He started by cupping his cheek and then slid his hand down along Brian’s throat to his shoulders. 

Brian squirmed beneath his touch as John tweaked a nipple on his way down, trailing his fingers along Brian’s side to his hips before finally wandering over to Brian’s neglected cock. John had barely grazed it when Brian threw his head back with a broken moan - as though a shock had gone through his system. John smirked, 

“No one’s touched you at all yet, hm? Are you desperate, baby? Do you need to come?” 

Brian nodded, eyes pleading. He whimpered when John pulled away from him completely, tears threatening to fall if not for Freddie’s gentle words. 

“Hush now, my darling. You’re alright, John always knows what you need.” 

Brian took a settling breath and let himself sink deeper into the mattress. Freddie was right, John always knew. 

“Roger,” John said. 

Roger immediately stopped his persistent squirming against the sheets. 

“You’re going to take care of Brian for us. Can you do that?” 

Roger nodded, “I can,” he glanced over at Brian lying beside him - he could definitely take care of him. 

“Good. If you do a good job you’ll get your reward. You’ve been so good so far, I’m very impressed.” 

Roger grinned proudly and tipped his chin up a little. He settled between Brian’s legs and cast that warm smile down to him, “Hi Bri,” He whispered, excited. 

Roger rubbed the top of Brian’s thighs as he looked up to John for guidance, not wanting to chance misstepping and losing his reward. 

John had moved to sit beside Freddie and rested his head on his shoulder, looking down at Brian, “Tell Roger what you want, doll,” He encouraged. 

Brian’s eyes were lidded as he looked up at Roger through his lashes. He watched as Roger’s tongue darted out to wet his lips. “Want your mouth, please, Rog.”

“You know I love having you in my mouth.”

With that Roger got to work, steadfastly ignoring his own flushed and aching cock. He had to take care of Brian first. Roger was very aware of John and Freddie’s eyes on him as he kissed his way down Brian’s chest before moving further down and licking a stripe up Brian’s cock, causing him to grasp at the sheets,

“Don’t tease,” He breathed. “Need you.”

Roger kissed his stomach and he took Brian’s cock in his hand, giving firm, steady strokes, “Sorry, love. Let’s see how quickly I can make you come.” 

Brian didn’t have time to respond before Roger’s lips wrapped around him and he let out a groan. Roger’s mouth was wet and hot and everything Brian so desperately needed that it wasn’t long before he was writhing on the bed beneath him. 

“You’re so pretty like this, Bri. All the delicious noises you make,” John said, voice husky. 

Freddie hummed above him and swept some curls out of his face, “Indeed.” 

As Roger’s hand worked in perfect time with his mouth, his other hand pressed down against Brian’s hip to keep him still. 

“More, Rog, please,” Brian gasped, pleasure coursing through his body. 

Roger’s eyes darted over to John, who nodded slightly, before taking Brian all the way into his mouth and trailing his fingers down to find Brian’s entrance. Brian’s hips bucked when he felt two of Roger's fingers slip into him with ease. 

By the time Roger was pumping and twisting his fingers in and out of Brian, he was already on the edge. The room was filled with nothing but the heady sounds escaping Brian’s mouth, and whatever obscene, wet noises Roger was managing to make. 

“ _ Ah! _ ‘m close, please,” Brian panted. He opened his eyes to look up at John, “Please, can I come?” 

John took in Brian’s flushed body, the way his eyes were glassed over, his hair sticking up every which way on Freddie’s lap - he looked absolutely wrecked. 

“Good boy for asking,” John smiled.

“Please,” Brian begged again, he was getting desperately close.

“You need it?” John asked, teasing just because he could. 

Brian nodded and let out a cry when Roger’s fingers brushed up against his prostate. 

“Please, John,” Brian repeated the words like a prayer, lost in his need. 

“Go on then, beautiful. Let Roger have a taste of you,” John said. “Come for us, Bri. Come on, doll.”

It was the order Brian had been waiting for all night. With a particularly hard suck and a calculated twist of his fingers, Roger tipped Brian over the edge and swallowed every drop of come he had to give. Brian clenched around Roger’s fingers as his orgasm tore through him, only to leave him limp and breathless. 

“So beautiful,” Freddie murmured soothingly, gently shifting Brian’s head off his lap to find a discarded shirt to clean him up with before taking him in his arms. 

Roger had pulled off Brian’s cock with a little bit of come dripping from the side of his mouth. John, who was still sitting back against the headboard, called him over with a curl of his fingers, “C’mere, babe.”

Roger eagerly made his way over, helping Brian get off had made him even harder and he prayed John was going to reward him. He swung a leg over John’s lap, knees settling on either side of his hips, his cock standing proudly between the two of them. 

John smiled at him and brought his finger up to swipe through the mess on Roger’s face, “Missed a bit,” He murmured, then pressed his finger between Roger’s lips until he took it in his mouth and sucked it clean. 

Roger looked at John with heavily lidded eyes and bat his lashes as he swirled his tongue around the digit John had pressed into his mouth.

John’s tongue darted out to wet his lips at the sight as he pulled his finger out, “Good boy.” 

“I was good?” Roger asked with a glow, fishing for more compliments. 

Compliments John was happy to give as he wrapped his hand around Roger’s neglected cock. He swiped his thumb over the slit and Roger hissed, throwing his head back as he slid his arms around John’s neck. 

“You were so good,” John said, slowly pumping his hand. “You did everything I asked you to do. So obedient for me.”

Roger squirmed in his lap and dropped his forehead to John’s shoulder. 

“John,” He breathed, “Please.”

John kissed his neck, “Please, what, love? Tell me what you want.”

“Harder.”

John squeezed his fingers a little tighter and moved his hand a little faster. He made sure to stroke Roger from the tip all the way down to the base before bringing his hand up again with a twist until Roger was panting against his neck, letting out a delicious series of moans and gasps.

“Look at what being a good boy gets you, Rog,” John said, moving a little faster still. “How does it feel?” 

Roger whined, “So good, so good.”

“Have you learned your lesson?” 

Roger nodded into the crease of John’s neck and John let go of his cock immediately, leaving him to cry out.

“Use your words,” John reprimanded lightly. 

Roger’s cock bobbed between them, stiff and leaking, as he forced himself to take a deep breath to get the words out, “I’ve learned my lesson. Please, John,  _ please _ touch me.” 

John’s hand found him again and Roger bucked in his grasp, unable to hold back a groan at the pleasure that shot through his system. John tightened his other arm around Roger’s waist and pulled him close. 

“Do you want to come for me, pretty boy?” 

“Yes,” Roger rasped, “Need to come, please.”

“Come for me then, come all over my fingers, baby.” 

It was all Roger needed as his pleasure overtook him. He buried his face in John’s neck, only vaguely aware that the cries he was hearing were his own. 

“That’s it,” John soothed as he worked Roger through his orgasm. “So good for me, love.” 

Roger whined and slumped against him, smearing his release between their tummies. John chuckled at how quickly Roger became a boneless mass in his lap, turning to Freddie, who was still laying with Brian in his arms,

“Pass us a shirt or something, love?”

When Freddie went to pull away, Brian whined, earning himself a fond grin and a kiss on the temple, “I’ll be right back, darling. I promise.” He stretched down to the floor, searching for his discarded shirt, “I think I dropped it around here somewhere.”

Roger stirred on John’s lap and barely lifted his head, “Not the  _ same _ t-shirt,” He whined blearily, turning his nose up. 

Freddie’s head popped up to glare at them. 

“Find us another one?” John asked, putting on an innocent smile.

“We can’t stain  _ all  _ of them, darlings.”

Nonetheless, Freddie dutifully groped around on the floor until he found an unsoiled shirt to toss at them and Brian hummed happily when Freddie settled back behind him. 

“Miss me?” Freddie asked in his ear with a grin. 

“Every second.”

Beside them, John did his best to clean up Roger’s mess. 

“You know,” John grit, as he tried to hold Roger up far enough to get his hand between the two of them, “This would be a whole lot easier if you would help me.”

Roger just kissed his neck, “I am helpin’.”

John chuckled, “If you say so, sweetheart.” 

Eventually, and with no real help from Roger, John was able to lay them down and Roger immediately moved into Brian’s space, leaving John to curl up behind him. Brian hummed when Roger reached up to place a soft, languid kiss on his lips, 

“I love you guys,” He murmured when he pulled away, lacing his fingers with Freddie’s over Brian’s hip. A soft chorus of  _ I love you _ s was echoed back to him. 

* * *

As Brian slowly stirred the next morning, his entire body felt as though it was wrapped in sunlight - as if the rays had been shining down onto him for hours. He was warm and the blankets around him were soft, and for a long moment, Brian didn’t wake, letting himself drift through a comfortable bleariness. It was only when an arm tightened around his chest that Brian opened his eyes to find his three gorgeous boys staring down at him with soft smiles on their faces. Brian gave a few slow blinks to get the sleep out of his eyes and let his lips spread into a similar smile.

“What?” He asked, his voice gravelly. 

Roger, who had his chest pressed against Brian’s back and was peering down at him from behind, grinned,

“You’re cute when you sleep.” 

Brian’s felt his cheeks go pink and he squirmed a little in Roger’s embrace. In front of him, Freddie rested against the headboard with a pillow stacked behind him and John curled up against his chest. 

“How are you feeling, Bri?” John asked, soft eyes searching Brian for the answer. 

Brian tilted his head, not quite sure why John was asking. Until his mind cleared and the memories of the previous night came trickling back to him. His tongue darted out to wet his lips,

“Surprisingly good,” He confessed. 

John’s lips quirked and he leaned over to kiss the tip of Brian’s nose,

“Happy to hear it.” 

Brian let his eyes flutter shut as a smile played on his lips. He still felt warm and safe and as long as he didn’t wake up too much, he could easily pretend his problems didn’t exist. Brian sighed when delicate fingers started playing with his hair and tracing little patterns on his scalp. He pried his eyes open to find it was Freddie, 

“Do you need more rest, sweetheart?” 

Brian shuddered as Freddie gently grazed him with his nails. 

“Just want to stay like this for a little,” Brian murmured, letting his eyes fall shut again.  “Just five more minutes.”

Two hours later, the boys finally wandered out of the bedroom, clinging together to try and keep their collective warmth. Roger had himself and Freddie wrapped in a blanket, Freddie’s hand disappearing under Roger’s shirt to feel the heat of his skin. 

Brian and John each had a jumper on, hoods popped over their heads, concealing their bed hair. John slipped his hand in the pocket of Brian’s hoodie to lace their fingers together. Brian squeezed back in appreciation and pulled him a little closer, bumping their hips together as they walked into the kitchen. 

Freddie slumped into a chair at the table and Roger climbed onto his lap to nuzzle at his neck. They easily fell into their routine, John and Brian navigating around each other in quiet, practiced movements as they got breakfast ready, starting with coffee. 

When it was ready John placed a cup in front of the pair at the table and Roger immediately took a grateful gulp. When he came up for air, Freddie snatched it from between his fingers for a sip,

“Hey!” Roger grumbled.

“John gave it to both of us, you have to share my dear, those are the rules.” He planted a kiss on Roger’s cheek. 

Brian shook his head fondly at their bickering as he took out eggs and fixings to feed his boys. Briefly, he wondered who had been doing the cooking in the past week while he’d done nothing but drift in and out of sleep. Brian assumed it was John, seeing as everyone was still alive and the flat hadn’t been burned down yet. Along with the help of some take out, he was sure. 

In front of the stove, Brian’s movements felt stiff, as if his body had to relearn how to move the right ways for the right things to happen. He tried to flip an egg but it ended up as a pile of mush in the pan and Brian grit his teeth, breaking it apart to make a scramble instead. Just as his shoulders began to tense, John draped himself behind him and placed a kiss on his cheek. 

“Looks good,” He murmured. 

Brian softened beneath John’s touch and his irritation with himself slowly eased. John gave Brian another kiss and a squeeze around his waist before moving to get the plates out as the eggs finished cooking. 

When they settled at the table, Brian listened to the easy conversation between the other three as he sipped at his own cup of coffee, not having bothered to get a plate of food. He didn’t miss the way John had not so subtly placed a fork next to him and pushed his plate over so it sat a little closer to him. Brian surprised himself when he started picking at John’s eggs and ended up being able to stomach a few mouthfuls. When he looked up, Freddie and Roger were both smiling at him from across the table and Brian smiled back. 

After breakfast, Brian wandered into the sitting room, initially to settle on the sofa, but in the corner of the room Star’s things were stacked into a neat pile, just waiting for him to go through them. His heart ached at the thought and he couldn’t tear his eyes away. Brian found his feet leading him forward until he was standing in front of everything. 

On top of the pile sat Star’s bone. Brian picked it up and ran his fingers over it, gently turning it this way and that in his hands. He noticed the most recent place where Freddie had sewn it together and found himself sinking to the floor in an attempt to stop his emotions from completely overwhelming him. 

A gentle hand between his shoulder blades startled him, and Brian found Roger settling beside him. 

“We thought it might be easier for you to keep it all in one spot until you’re ready to go through it.” Roger’s arm slipped to Brian’s waist and pulled him close, letting Brian rest his head on his shoulder. 

“I think I have to do it today,” Brian said, his voice already raw though he hadn’t let any tears fall. 

“It doesn’t have to be today, love.”

“I know, I just…” He let himself trail off, unsure how to explain the urgency he felt. 

Freddie and John appeared next to them at the same time - Freddie opting to kneel behind Brian and wrap his arms around his waist, Brian’s hands coming to rest on top of Freddie’s on his stomach. John sat on his other side, strong fingers gently soothing over Brian’s thigh. He closed his eyes and sighed, trying to let the steadiness of his partners somehow seep into him. 

“I have to do it today,” He murmured again, weakly. 

“Do you want us with you?” Freddie asked.

Brian nodded, knowing he would never be able to go through any of this without them. 

“Please.” 

“We’re here, Bri,” John said, his fingers squeezing Brian’s thigh in comfort. 

Brian forced his eyes open and gave John as much of a smile as he could muster. 

“Thank you.”

There wasn’t that much to go through, Brian had done most of the sorting at his mum’s before Christmas, but this was the most difficult stuff to go through. It was mostly Star’s most treasured items: her bone, her collar, the blanket that Brian had chosen for her as a puppy. Items that she’d had her whole life - that Brian had for most of his life as well. 

In the end, Brian sat around his boys with those three treasured items in his lap and tears silently rolling down his face. 

“This is it, this is what I’m keeping,” He announced. 

Roger had already placed the rest of her things, like her beds and food dishes, in the car to be taken to a shelter the next day. 

“What do you want to do with them?” John asked gently. 

Brian’s brows furrowed,

“What do you mean? I’m keeping them.” 

“I know you are, but do you want to be able to see these things every day or do you want to put them away so you only have to see them when you want to.” He took Brian’s hands in his and gave them a comforting squeeze. “These things are precious now because they were hers, they should have a spot somewhere instead of just floating around the flat. We don’t want to risk losing them, yeah?” 

Brian nodded, they all knew he was prone to losing everything he touched, so it made sense to have Star’s things in a designated area. He just didn’t know where. 

“I do want to see them.” He couldn’t imagine putting everything away - it would be like sticking Star in a closet and trying to forget about her. 

“What if we made space for her on the dresser in the bedroom?” John suggested, “You’d see her things every day.” 

“Yeah, alright.” 

John led the four of them to the bedroom, Brian clutching everything to his chest as he followed, with Freddie’s hand on the small of his back. As John cleared a space on top of the dresser of Freddie’s makeup and Roger’s sunglasses, Roger gently took the blanket from Brian and folded it up properly. He then placed it on the empty surface, stepping aside to let Brian set Star’s bone and collar on top with shaky hands. 

The boys were quick to pull him into a hug and Brian let himself be surrounded. 

“Are you okay, Bri?” Roger asked from behind him. 

“I - I don’t know.” All of his emotions were sitting on his chest and there were far too many for Brian to able to distinguish them all. What he really wanted to do was to curl up and forget about everything. 

“It’s okay, darling,” Freddie assured him, “We’ll take it easy today. Maybe watch a film or two?” 

Brian nodded and let himself be pulled along back to the sitting room, curling up on the sofa while Freddie fetched some blankets and John and Roger bickered over what to watch. When the four of them finally settled in a heap together with Brian slumped against Roger’s shoulder, it wasn’t long before he let sleep take him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think, don't be shy, your comments help keep me going! 💖


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, first practice since before Christmas, how are you feeling?” Freddie asked.
> 
> Brian shrugged and took Red out of her case, “Fine, I guess. I don’t - I don’t really know.”
> 
> “You haven’t thought about it?” Freddie arched an eyebrow.
> 
> Brian shrugged again, he knew the others had played since Christmas, it was rare to go even one day without hearing music in their flat, but Brian just hadn’t been feeling up to it.
> 
> “I’ve been busy,” He muttered, trying to get used to the feeling of Red around his neck again.
> 
> “You’ve been depressed, darling.”
> 
> Brian spared him a glance, “Yeah, busy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning for suicidal ideation and past suicide attempt in this chapter*
> 
> A wild update appears eight months later 😅 let's just all agree that time was not real in 2020 cause I'm not entirely sure how I've managed to let this drag on for so long. I won't make any promises for 2021 either, because who knows what's in store for us - but know that this fic will never be completely abandoned, I've worked so hard on it and I'm determined to see it through no matter how long it takes. 
> 
> A big thank you to Havvy for not giving up on me as I trudge through this and for always being ready to let me pick her brain when mine stops working 💖

Brian was  _ tired _ . Each day seemed to drag on longer than the last and London felt perpetually gloomy. It didn’t matter how much he slept or didn’t sleep, the exhaustion seemed permanent.

When his classes started up again in mid-January, Brian began forcing himself out of bed every morning - with the help of the others, of course. He had never been a morning person and he was thankful for it now because no one expected him to be chatty or even polite until he was on his second or third coffee of the day. 

“Bri, come on, love,” John whispered, always the first one up and awake, as he reached a hand down to squeeze Brian’s shoulder in an attempt to rouse him. “Wake up, it’s your turn to shower.”

Brian groaned and tried to bury his face in his pillow but John pulled him back and placed a kiss on his forehead. He felt the curve of John’s lips as he smiled.

“If you get up now maybe you’ll be ready in time for me to walk to class with you.”

Having John walk him to class did generally mean that Brian would be on time, whereas when John wasn’t around, Brian seemed to always stumble into class twenty minutes late. With another groan of protest, he stretched, blinking his eyes open so that John’s blurry form came into focus. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with a towel wrapped around his hips, his long hair still wet from his shower and sticking to his back. John’s eyes crinkled at the corners when their gazes met and he smiled down at Brian.

“There he is,” he whispered softly, placing a kiss on Brian’s lips.

Brian hummed and reached his arms out to pull John closer - he was warm and smelled a little bit like vanilla thanks to Freddie’s soap, and Brian wanted to bask in his presence a little longer.

“Stay,” he murmured chasing John’s lips, “Just for a bit.”

“Can’t, we have to leave soon.” Despite his words, John deepened the kiss, licking into Brian’s mouth as he shifted to brace his hand above Brian’s head.

Brian let out a pleased sigh that was all too soon drowned out by the sound of Freddie beginning to snore on the other side of the bed. While that alone may have been tolerable, it was quickly followed by a grunt that Brian assumed was due to one of Roger’s limbs hitting him.

John pulled back with a soft chuckle, his eyes flitting over to the other two on the bed, ensuring they were still asleep. Brian pouted, but John stood his ground.

“Go shower,” He reminded him before getting up to find something to wear.

Brian watched him leave, already feeling colder without having him near. With a sigh, he forced himself up and shuffled to the bathroom, his limbs heavy and his head clouded. He could attribute these to the fact that he had just woken up, Brian reasoned as he turned on the shower and waited for the water to warm up, but then he would just be lying to himself. Even by late afternoon, when the morning bleariness had worn off, Brian still felt as though he was dragging his feet through life while his brain was only running at half power.

Pyjamas removed and tossed in the hamper, he stepped under the stream and let the hot water wash over him. The more Brian woke up, the more his body ached and his chest tightened. He tried to take a deep breath and inhale the steam in an effort to get himself to relax, but that didn’t seem to help. The sadness weighed on him and Brian could feel his throat begin to close up as tears threatened to fall. For reasons that really, truly escaped him. He was trying so hard, getting out of bed and going to class, forcing himself to interact with the boys, and tonight the band had their first practice since the semester started. He should be excited! But instead, here he was, unable to hold it together even long enough to shower.

A sob escaped his throat at how utterly useless he felt, and Brian was quick to cover it up with a cough, hoping that the sound of the water had drowned out most of the noise. But maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing if someone heard. Brian let himself imagine the boys gathering him in their arms as he cried out the pain that had taken over his body. If he closed his eyes it was almost as if the warmth of the water washing over him was the warmth of their bodies pressed against his as he took in all the comfort they had to give.

Brian sighed and opened his eyes, the tiles in front of him shattering the image in his mind as he did nothing to stop the tears streaming down his cheeks. He shook his head, that could never happen and he knew he had to stop thinking about it. It wasn’t the right time to show the boys that kind of weakness, that kind of neediness. They were already doing so much for him, he refused to ask for more - breaking down this morning meant that John would be late for class and Freddie would be woken up early on the one day he made sure everyone knew he was going to have a lie-in. No, he could get through this alone.

Brian wasn’t quite sure how long he spent letting the water wash away his tears, but by the time a knock at the door jolted him out of his thoughts, his fingers and toes had wrinkled.

“Brian!” Roger pounded against the bathroom door again, “Why did you fucking lock it? I have to piss, hurry up!”

Brian blinked away the tears blurring his vision and rubbed his hands over his face. He cleared his throat and prayed that he would sound half normal.

“Brian!”

Brian took a deep breath to steady himself before calling out, “Yeah, I’m almost done!”

Only when the words were out of his mouth did Brian realize that he hadn’t actually done anything in the shower but cry. Just that thought itself made him want to tear up again. Feeling more exhausted than when he had walked in, Brian quickly washed himself before stepping out and grabbing his towel, making a mental note (that he was sure to forget) as he dried off to wash his hair with actual shampoo next time.

“Brian, I swear to god if you don’t open the door I will break it down!”

Brian finally opened the door, letting Roger in, “I’d like to see you try.”

Roger gave him the finger as he pushed his way past him to the toilet, strands of his blond hair mussed from sleep, “Why did you lock it, anyway?”

“I just wanted some privacy,” Brian grumbled, drying his hair with his towel in front of the mirror. Crying in the shower definitely wasn’t something he wanted any one of his boyfriends to walk in on and these days that’s where he did most of his crying.

“Oh, for naughty things?” Roger teased. “Did you have a really nice dream?”

“No. I just wanted to be alone for five minutes, but apparently, that’s too much to ask for,” He grumbled.

“I get it, love, I do.” Roger came up beside him to wash his hands, “But you’d been in here for thirty minutes.”

“Oh.”

Roger reached up to place a kiss on Brian’s cheek. “Why don’t you go get dressed? Deaky has some breakfast, I think.”

Brian offered him what he knew was a weak smile before heading to their bedroom, dimly aware of the sound of Roger turning on the shower as he left. In their room, Freddie was still asleep, snoring quietly as he sprawled in the middle of the bed now that he had it to himself. Brian was quick to dress, not wanting to wake up their sleeping beauty and headed down the hall.

He found John sitting at their kitchen table, plate of scrambled eggs in front of him.

“I thought Roger said you had breakfast ready.”

“I do, for me. I didn’t think you were planning on eating.” John raised a knowing eyebrow, gently pushing a cup of coffee over to Brian.

Brian sat down and accepted the drink - it wouldn’t get him through the day, but at least it would get him out the door. 

Regretfully, Brian only had time for a few sips before he heard Roger’s voice bellow from down the hall, “ _ God damn it, Brian! _ ”

“What did you do this time?” John asked.

Brian winced, “I think I may have used up all the hot water this morning.”

They exchanged a glance as they heard the sound of the running water stop.

“You want to get out of here?” John asked.

Brian nodded, “Suddenly, very much so, yes.”

* * *

Brian pushed open the door to the music room and prayed that he was on time. His day had been going about as well as every other one in the past week: not so great. His head really hadn’t been with him all day and he ended up wandering across campus before realizing that he had been heading in the completely opposite direction of his physics class. Which, of course, meant that he turned up late.

In the end, it had virtually been pointless to go at all since Brian fell asleep halfway through anyway. This seemed to be a new addition to his depression, even while going through difficult times in the past, Brian’s mind had always been able to focus relatively well on school work. But now, even just listening to a lecture seemed to be too much for him to handle. It was frustrating and he had no idea how to pull himself together.

“Brian!” Freddie exclaimed when he walked fully into the room.

Brian gave him a tired smile and glanced around. Roger was already seated behind the drums, mindlessly coming up with soft rhythms to keep himself busy as he watched Brian set his case down. John was also ready, bass hanging around his neck as he fiddled with his amp. Though he had his back turned to the room, Brian knew he was aware of everything going on.

“So, first practice since before Christmas, how are you feeling?” Freddie asked.

Brian shrugged and took Red out of her case, “Fine, I guess. I don’t - I don’t really know.”

“You haven’t thought about it?” Freddie arched an eyebrow.

Brian shrugged again, he knew the others had played since Christmas, it was rare to go even one day without hearing music in their flat, but Brian just hadn’t been feeling up to it.

“I’ve been busy,” He muttered, trying to get used to the feeling of Red around his neck again.

“You’ve been depressed, darling.”

Brian spared him a glance, “Yeah, busy.”

If he was being honest, Brian was anxious. The fact that Red felt foreign in his grip definitely didn’t help. What if he forgot how to play? Surely that couldn’t happen in just a handful of weeks, could it? He tried to think back to the last time he’d gone this long without playing and nothing came to mind.

Brian was suddenly very aware of the tension between his shoulders and the way his fingers fluttered over the fretboard as if he wasn’t too sure where to place them. If he couldn’t play anymore, the boys certainly wouldn’t have any reason to keep him around. It was probably better that way, he was bound to disappoint them eventually.

“Brian?” John’s soft voice cut through his thoughts.

Brian looked up to find John had stepped across the room and was now standing in front of him, wearing a rather concerned look on his face.

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Brian deflected.

John shrugged, “I don’t know, I just figured I’d ask, since, you know, you look like a deer caught in the headlights.”

“Sorry, just trying to get my brain going, I guess.” He blinked a few times to try to clear his head before plucking at the strings, tuning them as needed and making sure everything sounded right. If he was even a good judge of that anymore.

Brian hadn’t been so naive as to think he’d come back to practice at one hundred percent, he knew he was bound to be rusty. But as they began playing, Brian found his unease growing. It was as though his dexterity had disappeared, leaving his fingers struggling to find the right notes. Every mistake had his heart sinking to the pit of his stomach, this was what he imagined it would feel like if he hadn’t played in years.

“What’s wrong, Bri?” Roger asked, concerned about Brian’s continued stumbling through the next song.

Shame burned hot on Brian’s cheeks - he was better than this, he knew he was better than this.

“I - I don’t know.” He couldn’t bear to look any of them in the eye so instead, he looked down, running his fingers over the smooth finish of Red’s body in hopes that she would provide an answer. “It doesn’t feel right.”

"Why don't you take a few minutes to get reacquainted?" Freddie suggested with a kind smile. "The more you play the sooner it'll come back to you. Besides, we can all take it easy for today."

They fooled around a little, not taking any of their playing too seriously and taking their time to get used to playing the four of them together again. But Brian knew he was holding them back, he didn’t deserve their kind smiles and encouraging words as he repeatedly played the wrong notes. 

As they approached a solid hour of practice with no noticeable improvement, frustration boiled beneath Brian’s skin, hot tears pricking at his eyes as he valiantly tried to keep himself together. 

Freddie was the first to notice as he caught Brian’s eye, his gaze just flickering over him, before asking brightly, “Who’s getting hungry? Shall we call it a day and go home, darlings?” 

There was a chatter of agreement as Roger complained that he was starving and John admitted he’d skipped lunch to study. It was unanimously decided that they’d pack up and get going, shameful relief flooding over Brian. 

Hanging his head, Brian headed straight for the shower when they got back to the flat. His chest was heavy with the weight of unshed tears as embarrassment burned through him. As soon as the water was hot enough, Brian climbed in and sank to the bottom of the tub. He curled his knees up to his chest and tried to let the warmth of the water washing over him soothe his aching heart, not bothering to hold back his tears.

Every mistake he'd made earlier kept replaying in his mind, his lack of talent becoming more and more evident to him by the minute. What he really wanted was to seek comfort in the arms of someone he loved, but asking for that would have been even more shameful than his playing. Freddie, Roger, and John had been so patient with him, at some point Brian had to just take care of himself and not bother them, especially when he should be doing useful things like practicing his playing so he could sound decent again some day. 

Brian only hauled himself out once his tears finally stopped. He groaned as he dried off, realizing once again that he'd forgotten to wash his hair. It was almost no surprise that he couldn't remember something as intricate as playing guitar when he couldn't even remember basic hygiene.

"Are you okay, love?" Freddie asked him, catching up to him in the hall as he walked out of the bathroom.

Brian adjusted Freddie's soft robe around him, "Yeah, I just - I'm going to go to bed."

"It's only six o'clock, Bri." Roger pointed out gently.

"It's been a long day," Brian explained, heading toward their bedroom to avoid having to answer more questions. At least if he managed to fall asleep, he wouldn't be dwelling on how much he hated himself.

* * *

"Brian," Roger whined as he let his head fall to his notebook with a soft thunk. "Turn it down! I have a quiz tomorrow morning and your playing is making me twitch!"

"Sorry," Brian reflexively called back from the sitting room, where he was laying on the sofa with Red resting against his torso.

Stilling his fingers, Brian frowned. He wasn't too sure what Roger meant - he'd noticeably been regaining his dexterity every day this past week, his muscle memory finally kicking in and coming to his rescue. Surely his playing quality wasn't still that bad?

"How come?" John asked lowly with a cocked eyebrow from where he sat at the table beside Roger, making sure Brian couldn't hear them from the other room. "I rather thought he's been getting better."

"He is," Roger said quickly. "But don't you hear it? I mean, leave it to Brian to manage to make sadness echo off the walls of the flat." He could hear Brian becoming more and more himself every day, but when he played it sounded like Red was weeping and it was beginning to wear him down.

"I mean, normally, I wouldn't say anything, but I can hardly study when I have tears dripping down onto my notes. Now can I?"

John rolled his eyes, "Drama queen." He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Roger's cheek.

Roger grinned, but it quickly faltered when he realized the flat had fallen eerily quiet. Frowning, he got up and wandered to the sitting room, where he found Brian still laying on the sofa, staring at the ceiling with Red resting against the armchair beside him.

"Bri? I didn't mean for you to stop, I just wanted to be able to hear myself think."

"It's fine, just trying to get back to normal but I was finishing up anyway."

Roger shifted on his feet, unable to decipher Brian's flat tone. "I think you're doing really well."

Brian turned his head and Roger felt himself being scrutinized.

"Really?"

"Yes, you know I wouldn't say anything I don't mean. Have you been working on anything new? Sounds like maybe being creative again could do you some good."

Brian shook his head and a few stray curls fell into his face, "If I can't get the hang of my old stuff, I don't think I should even be attempting any new stuff."

"I don't think it matters,” Roger said with a shrug, rubbing at the back of his neck, “Look, just think about it. We want to go into the studio in a few months with as much material as possible, right?"

Brian considered, "I suppose." He turned his head back towards the ceiling, silently dismissing Roger. He really didn't think he was ready to be diving into anything new. Not until he felt comfortable again. Besides, Brian wasn't sure he even had it in him to be creative anymore.

* * *

A little over a month had passed since the semester began, and Brian found he was playing passibly. It sounded okay, but it still felt wrong, as if he was learning to write with his left hand. It was exhausting to be uncomfortable doing something he used to think he was a natural at. Music was one of the few things that still brought him joy, but he could feel his passion slowly slipping away.

Brian tried not to dwell on it too much, it wasn't as though he could just give up. Not on this, not when he was part of a team that he loved very much. He couldn't keep disappointing them because they were really the only other part of his life that brought him joy. It was frustrating that he couldn't seem to give back to them as much as he'd like.

“You’re late, again,” Roger grumbled at him when Brian finally walked into the rehearsal space, hitting the drums in a way that could only be described as threatening.

“Sorry, I fell asleep in the library.” Brian set his things down and took his guitar out of its case to begin tuning it.

He hadn't meant to. He really needed to study but the moment he rested his head in his hand to pore over his books his eyes fell shut.

“That’s the third time this week. Not to mention all the other times this month. Are you okay, Bri?” John asked.

Brian grimaced, of course John would be keeping track. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Freddie didn’t say anything but Brian could feel his concerned gaze on him. He held back the urge to squirm beneath it. He knew they had a long night ahead of them - it was the one Friday evening of the month that they were all free and they dedicated it to practicing together - and he didn't want them making a fuss over him.

"Let's just get started, yeah?"

They worked through their usual numbers first, Brian feeling as though the music was flowing past him instead of through him, the way it was supposed to. It wasn’t long before the others brought out new material to work on, their usual snipes and jabs flying by Brian as they were thrown across the room. It was hard not to feel left out and angry with himself that he hadn’t managed to provide anything new of his own, relinquished to the sidelines.

“It’s too slow Brian,” Roger whined, “You’ve got to pick up the pace! You’re throwing me off on purpose.”

Things were not going well. They’d been there since the early evening and midnight was creeping up on them rather quickly. Brian was tired and the tension across his shoulders from his frustrations didn't help his mood.

“Just because you want everything played fast doesn’t mean it should be played fast,” Brian retorted, “You need to slow down and follow me.”

He and Roger had been working out the kinks in another song, but Brian was pretty sure they were only creating new knots and both of them were too stubborn to admit it.

“ _ It’s my song!  _ It needs to be played fast! How are you not hearing it?”

“I hear it, I just think that I have a better ear than you do ‘cause it doesn’t sound right to me.”

“Oh, piss off, you do not have a better ear!”

Across the room, Freddie and John kept a watchful eye on them from where they were seated. They had given up on the argument already, Freddie opting to pick at the last of the takeout while John was leaning back in a rolling chair, occasionally twisting from side to side as they spoke to each other quietly. They knew it was usually best to let Roger and Brian hash it out between themselves, but with both their tempers, they were always ready to intervene.

“Yes, I do! It’s my instrument, I know how to play it." Brian wished he felt as confident as he sounded. "Mind your own business.”

Roger set his drumsticks down before he was tempted to throw them at Brian’s head, “It is my business! I’m playing in the damn thing, I get a say too.”

“Well, then maybe you shouldn’t play in it. If it’s such a hardship to not have things your way -”

“I’m not the one making a big deal out of not having things my way!”

“Oh, for the love of christ, are we even having the same conversation?” Brian pinched at the bridge of his nose and screwed his eyes shut, anything to not have to look at Roger right then.

“Why can’t you just try to play it faster? I’m not saying that’s the version we have to play live but -”

“It won’t sound good, Rog, I already know it. Why should I waste my time playing something I know won’t sound good!”

“Because this is such a productive use of our time instead. Grow up, Brian! If you had just played it faster like I asked you to, about,” Roger glanced at the clock on the wall, “twenty minutes ago, we wouldn’t be in this fucking mess to start with! We could be at home, in bed by now. I mean, look at Deaky, he’s practically falling asleep!” 

Roger gestured to where John was sprawled on his chair, though the moment his name was said, John sat up and swivelled himself around to face them.

“Don’t bring me into this.” He hesitated for a moment and then added, “But Roger’s right - we should try it a bit faster.”

Freddie slapped his arm from beside him and the boys heard him hiss, “We said we wouldn’t take sides.”

Roger’s grin was triumphant as he turned back to Brian, “John said I was right.”

Freddie shook his head, “No, ignore those last bits, loves. Sort this out between yourselves, it’s good for you.”

Roger flipped him off and Freddie blew them a kiss in return.

Brian rolled his shoulders and then his neck, anything to try to get rid of the tension that weighed him down. “I don’t care what John says,” He muttered.

“Why are you being so goddamn stubborn about this?” Roger asked, exasperated.

“I’m not being any more stubborn than you are. I already told you I’m not doing it, I don’t know why you think pestering me about it is going to change my mind.”

“Oh my god, why? Are you trying to sabotage the band? You can’t shut down every idea that isn’t yours, Brian. That’s fucking ridiculous!”

“Why would I sabotage the band? I care about it more than you do!”

“You know what? Fuck you! I don’t sleep through practice like you’ve been, I actually show up, on time, every fucking day. Fuck you for saying I don’t care when you're the one who's acting like you don't care."

"Roger," Freddie's tone was firm in warning and Roger didn't need to hear what he already knew Freddie was going to say.

"It's true!" He defended himself with a cry before turning back to Brian, "We've all been treating you like you're made of glass, being careful not to upset you, caring for you. And even after all that you still expect us to come in here, as a band, and cater to you!"

"I'm not asking you to cater to me, I'm giving you my opinion! But fine," Brian crossed his arms, "I'll just stand here motionless, shall I? Not play until I'm told to or contribute in any meaningful way? I mean at that point you could easily replace me with anybody. Why would you even need me?" 

He knew he was being unreasonably stubborn, but he just couldn't give this to Roger, he had to finish what he started.

Roger glowered, "That's not what I'm saying at all and you know it, stop twisting my words around. You keep saying that you want things to go back to normal, well this," He gestured between them, "Is normal. Me yelling at you, calling you out when you're being an arrogant son of a bitch, that's normal. I don’t know what world you’re living in, but I think it’s time to get out of your head and come back to the real world. I’m sorry if you’re still feeling upset, but that doesn’t give you the right to act like a complete arse.”

Roger's chest heaved as he looked between his boyfriends and swallowed thickly, all of his emotions were very quickly reaching their boiling point beneath the surface. He needed to get some air before he actually did throw something at Brian.

Brian blinked as he watched Roger storm out of the room, his brain still trying to process the words that had been spat out at him.

* * *

“Roger! Would you fucking wait for me, you prick,” John called after him, jogging to catch up to him outside.

Roger turned around when John grabbed his arm, “I’m not going back inside, Deaks.”

Even on the dimly lit sidewalk, John could see that Roger’s eyes were rimmed red. “I know. I just, I didn’t want you to be out here alone. It’s late.” John took his hand as Roger gave him a weak smile, “Do you want to go home?”

“Yeah, I’m done with today.”

“You and me both, baby,” John squeezed his hand, “Let’s just go grab our things, then we can leave.”

They walked back inside in silence, opening the door to the music room and stepping in just in time to hear Brian snap at Freddie. 

“How do you think I’m doing?” Regret washed over his face the moment he said it. “Sorry,” He mumbled in apology, hanging his head. “Can we just go home?”

“You’re sure?”

Brian nodded, trying to fight the tears pricking his eyes.

“We’re heading out too, if you want to join us,” John said quietly. 

Freddie nodded, sparing a concerned glance at Roger, who was silently packing up his things without so much as looking at any of them, “Yes, I think it’s time to call it a night.” 

The journey home was tense and silent, both Freddie and John unsure of what to say, while Roger and Brian seemed to retreat into their heads and stew in their emotions. Upon entering the flat, the two of them immediately split off in different directions - Brian all but ran to their bedroom with a slam of the door, while Roger opted for the sitting room. 

Freddie padded into the kitchen, he at least needed a cup of tea - if not something stronger - to get through a night of playing referee. 

“Roger, will you relax, darling,” Freddie called to him as he set the water to boil, “I can feel your tension from here.”

“Sorry, I’ll try for a more quiet anger next time.” Roger retorted from where he was pacing the sitting room, quite quickly smoking his way through his pack of cigarettes.

He glared at Freddie through the doorway, but even through his irritation, Roger knew he hadn’t done anything to deserve becoming the object of his anger. He closed his eyes as he brought the cigarette up to his lips and took a deep inhale, letting the smoke burn his lungs for a little too long before exhaling. A hand on his shoulder startled him, and he opened his eyes to find John peering at him.

“Are you okay?”

Had it come from anyone else, Roger would’ve rolled his eyes and told them to fuck off, but John’s expression was soft and he had walked out of practice with him in solidarity.

“No, I’m not fucking okay,” He took another drag of his cigarette.

“Do you need a hug?”

Roger scowled at him but gave a short nod while averting his eyes. John’s arms came to wrap around him and Roger sighed, feeling some of the tension dissipate. He rested his forehead against John’s shoulder and pressed himself as close as possible. Roger took in a deep breath, John’s familiar scent calming him.

“You know he didn’t mean it,” John said quietly.

“Still said it,” Roger mumbled.

John stayed quiet after that, only peeling himself away to fetch a cup of tea when he heard the kettle go off. Roger started doing laps around the room again, in an attempt to burn off the angry energy, only stopping to light up another cigarette after barely having crushed the previous one. The flat sat in a tense silence until Freddie came into the sitting room, mug in hand, John trailing not too far behind.

“I really think you should go and apologize to him, dear.”

Roger stopped pacing to look at him, “Why should I apologize first? He was just as hurtful to me as I was to him!”

“Okay firstly, that’s not how apologies work. And second, Brian’s already wounded and you’re not.”

“Oh, come off it, Fred. He’s not wounded, he’s doing better. We’re getting ready to go back to the studio, he’s going to his classes.” Roger was irritated that Freddie seemed to be letting Brian off the hook and not him.

Freddie shook his head, “I don’t think he’s doing as well as you think he is, darling. Why are you being so hard on him?”

“I’m not!” Roger cried, “He’s the one who was being an arse! I'm just keeping things normal. That's what he keeps saying he wants, isn't it?” 

Not that he had consciously started an argument for the sake of normalcy, it was just easy to get into it when they were hidden behind the safety of their instruments.

Even as he said it, Roger didn’t quite believe it himself. Yes, they argued and bickered constantly but this was different. They’d never accused each other of not caring, and although Roger hadn’t said it aloud the way Brian had, he knew that he had accused him of the same thing.

“Yes, but it’s not black and white, Roger. We have to ease him back into it.”

“You really think I’m being hard on him?” He looked to John for his answer, who just nodded his agreement. “Fuck.”

Freddie set his cup of tea down and walked up to Roger, placing his arms around his waist and pulling him close. Roger huffed but let himself be held, resting his forehead on Freddie’s shoulder.

“I know he’s in the wrong, too, my love,” Freddie said softly in his ear. “I’m not saying Brian is a saint.”

John snickered beside them and Roger cracked a smile.

“But you might have to take the first step and go talk to him.”

“And apologize?” Roger grumbled, knowing where Freddie was going.

“Yes, and apologize,” Freddie confirmed.

“Even though I’m right?”

“ _ Roger _ ,” Freddie sighed.

Roger brought his head up to look at Freddie, “I know, I know. I’m just kidding…sort of.”

Freddie kissed his nose and Roger rolled his eyes fondly. “So you’ll go talk to him?” 

“Yes, I’ll go talk to him.”

“Now?”

Roger sighed, deep down he knew Freddie was right, but that didn’t stop him from grumbling some more, “Fine, yes, now.”

* * *

When he stepped into the bedroom, Brian slammed the door behind him a lot harder than he'd meant to. He rubbed at his temples to try to clear his head but it was no use, his brain simply kept replaying the argument, showing him all the instances where he was wrong, and Roger was right. He was a failure.

Brian paced the room, fingers repeatedly pulling the curls at the nape of his neck, his body stuck in an anxious loop as his mind tortured him with reminders that music wasn't the only thing he was failing at. He was falling behind in school and was desperately afraid that he would never catch up. Apparently he'd also been an awful boyfriend, and the shame of having been so selfish weighed heavily on him.

He stopped pacing to rub at his eyes, only for his fingers to come away damp. He'd been so completely trapped in his head that he hadn't even noticed his tear-stained cheeks.

But once he did realize he was crying, it was as if a switch had been flipped and all of the anguish Brian felt was intensified. He started sobbing in earnest, throwing his body onto the bed and curling up on himself. Brian buried his face in his pillow to muffle the sobs that were being wrenched out of his chest.

All the work he had been trying to put in for the past awful weeks fell apart as Brian spiralled deeper into his thoughts. The thought of one of the boys finding him like this was enough to make him consider fleeing out the window. He couldn’t let them see him like this. Then they would really see how weak he was, how pathetic he was.

How could he fool himself into thinking that he could go back to the way things were? A part of him knew things had been bound to fall apart sooner or later just by the way the Red Special fit in his hands. It wasn’t the same. And when she didn’t feel right, Brian didn’t feel right either. He should have been better at anticipating his breakdown.

He realized he would probably have to apologize to Roger in the morning, he had been a dick to him. The embarrassment from that realization only made Brian cry harder and his chest got tighter as the tension built within him. In all truth, Brian had just been fooling himself into thinking he was surviving, and even the small comfort from that was being torn away from him.

A light knock on the door made him freeze, panic swelling around his chest. Was it too late to jump out the window?

“Brimi?” Roger called from the other side of the door. When Brian didn’t answer, he stepped in anyway, “Bri? Can we talk?”

Roger stopped in his tracks at the sight that greeted him. Brian was curled up on their bed, as small as he could possibly make himself, with his head buried in his pillow. His curls were wild and it looked like he’d been pulling at them. When Brian’s hazel eyes peered up at him from behind the pillow, Roger saw that they were red and puffy as he tried to blink away the tears. 

But worst of all, Roger saw nothing but pain in them. A pain so deep that he knew he’d never be able to fix it. He forced back his own tears at the realization that he had done this to Brian, as he tentatively sat down beside him.

“I’m sorry.”

Brian didn’t answer, not knowing what to say. His mind was cloudy and the pain in his chest made words all too difficult. He couldn't remember if Roger even had something to be sorry about in the first place. Their argument was the furthest thing from his mind, simply the starting point of his downward spiral.

Roger fidgeted on the other side of the bed, the longer the silence stretched between them, the more awkward he felt. Which was ridiculous because this was Brian. Brian who’d been there since the start with him. Brian who’d bought him extra sets of drumsticks for their first Christmas together because he knew Roger kept breaking his. Brian who saved him from many terrible life choices - and laughed at his many other stupid ones. Brian who he cherished more than anyone (along with Freddie and John, of course). There was no reason for Roger to feel awkward. They’d sort it out, they always did.

“Bri,” He tried again, trying to keep from sounding as if he was pleading, “Talk to me, tell me how I can fix this.”

Brian finally looked up at him, and with a wobbly voice he confessed, “I didn’t think things would end up being this hard again.”

The minute the words were out of his mouth Brian was crying into the pillow.

Roger was ashamed to admit that it took him a moment to piece together what Brian was talking about. He'd been so worried that Brian was crying over him, that it had never occurred to him that Brian's mind may have been led elsewhere and he ran a hand along his back to try to soothe him.

“You’ll be okay. You’ll be okay, love. Come here,” He hauled Brian onto his chest, his tear-stained face wetting through Roger’s shirt almost immediately.

As Roger held him tight, Brian’s cries became harsher and his breathing became heavier until he was wheezing into his chest. His throat was raw, as though he’d been crying for hours.

“It hurts so much,” Brian shuddered as he tried to get the words out.

Roger pulled him closer and held him tighter as he hushed him. He tried to stroke through Brian’s hair to help calm him, but his fingers kept getting caught in big knots he hadn’t realized were there.

“Jesus, Bri. When was the last time you ran a comb through here, huh?” The words were out before Roger could filter them.

“I know, okay?” Brian cried, still muffled by Roger’s chest. He pulled his face away to get some air, “I know I’m a fucking disaster! All I can seem to do right is stay in bed all day and apparently I can’t even handle taking care of myself. I should just fucking cut it all off, at least then I’d have a real reason to stay in bed and hide.”

“Woah, okay, hang on, baby. None of that is true.” Roger said quickly, trying to ease the situation. “And fuck, I didn’t even mean it like that! I’m sorry I made you think that. I think what I meant was that I really didn’t realize things were still so difficult for you. I didn’t see that you were still so fragile, I’m sorry.”

“I’m not fucking fragile,” Brian spat out, body heaving with the force of his tears.

Roger cringed, struggling to find the right thing to say. “Hey, no, everyone is fragile sometimes, Bri, it’s okay. That’s why you have us to help you. Just like how one day when I’m fragile, I know you’ll help me.”

“I just want it all to stop,” Brian pleaded.

Roger pulled him closer still, tightening his grip around Brian’s shoulders. Brian’s words brought back haunting memories.

_ “I just…wanted it all to stop,” Brian admitted from the hospital bed across from where Roger sat. _

_ “And what if I hadn’t gotten there in time? What if we hadn’t had plans tonight, Brian? You’d be dead!” _

_ They stared at each other for a moment, as a thick silence hung in the air and Roger’s chest heaved under the pressure of far too many emotions. _

_ “I’m sorry,” Brian whispered, staring at his lap. “Please, you can't tell anyone.” _

_ Roger deflated immediately and took Brian’s hand in his, making him jump in surprise. “Alright, but let me help. Let me in, Bri, please. You shouldn’t have to go through whatever it is you’re going through alone.” _

_ When Brian lifted his head, he saw nothing but sincerity in his new friend’s eyes. He bit his lip, Brian wasn’t sure if he’d ever been more terrified of anything in his life. _

_ “Okay.” _

“Not again, Brian.” It was Roger’s turn to plead as his throat tightened, “Please, not again, baby.”

“I’m sorry,” Brian sobbed, his voice pitched with panic, “I don’t know how to make it stop.”

“That’s why you have us,” Roger whispered. “Let us help you find other ways to make it stop.”

Roger felt hot tears spill down his cheeks at the memory of Brian, frail in the hospital bed, just a few months after Roger had met him. “You promised you’d let me in. That wasn’t just a one-time deal.”

“I’m sorry,” Brian choked out again.

“Let us take care of you.”

As if they had timed it perfectly, John and Freddie walked in, an arm around each other’s waist and their heads tipped close together. 

“Have you two kissed and made up yet?” John asked, teasingly before pulling his gaze away from Freddie. 

They only realized what they’d walked in to when Roger looked up at them, eyes rimmed with tears.

“Oh, darlings, what’s going on?” Freddie asked, rushing to them. He knelt by the side of the bed and gently coaxed Brian’s head up from Roger’s chest. “Talk to me, love. Hm?”

Brian looked at him with wide eyes, absentmindedly wrapping a greasy curl around his finger, as he whispered, “It hurts, Freddie.”

John had walked around the bed to settle on the other and ran his hand along Brian's back. “What do you need, Bri? How can we help?” He asked softly.

“I don’t know,” Brian said, his voice wobbling.

“It’s alright, dear,” Freddie reached out to squeeze his hand in comfort, “Maybe we can just start with some water and some sleep. How does that sound?”

It took a little while for Brian to calm down, his sobs eventually hiccuping into silence as Freddie coaxed him to drink some water and wiped away his tears.

The four of them settled together in a heap, making sure to tuck Brian right in the middle, where they could all touch him and reassure him that he wasn’t alone as exhaustion finally put him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your continued support! I know the updates are sporadic and I really appreciate the interest 💕 I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you think! 
> 
> You can also always come swing by my tumblr as well @yasmamamercury


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He hadn’t bothered to open his eyes, part of him was hoping that sleep would just take over again, that maybe Roger’s voice and his soft lips were just a dream that would last forever. He could stay like this, Brian thought happily. He was wrapped up warm, Roger was speaking to him in a low, gentle voice, and he could hear John and Freddie talking from the other room. The smell of coffee curled up to meet his nose and Brian sighed. If he just left his mind blank, he could fool himself into thinking that he truly was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning for a brief discussion of past suicide attempts at the end of the chapter*
> 
> A surprisingly quick update, just because this chapter was originally part of the last chapter but it got too big to keep as one chunk. It's mostly just some much needed fluff 😌💖
> 
> And of course, another big thank you to Havvy for her beta skills - I could not have gotten this far without you 😘

In the morning, Brian woke up with an awful headache. His eyes hurt as he tried to crack them open and his nose felt stuffy and raw. It only took a moment for the memories from the previous night to come flooding in. Brian turned over and groaned into his pillow as he was punched in the gut with a mix of embarrassment and revived pain.

He took a deep breath, willing himself to relax as he kept his eyes shut and prayed that sleep would overtake him once more. In the quiet of the room, Brian had barely registered the soft sounds coming from the other side of the bed until they stopped.

"Is he still sleeping?" Roger asked, barely above a whisper.

Brian forced his breathing to relax as he lay still, not ready to face anyone who was fully conscious. Besides, the shame from breaking down in front of the boys burned hot all over him and Brian didn't think he'd ever be able to look any of them in the eye again.

"Looks like it," Freddie murmured.

The room fell into silence again for a few moments before Brian heard the quiet, but distinct, sounds of lips being pressed against skin followed by John's soft moan, " _ Freddie… _ "

"Hm?"

"We can't -- we can't wake up Brian."

"Yeah," Roger agreed, "Let's let him rest."

Freddie hummed, “I suppose you’re right. Will you at least bend me over the kitchen counter?” 

“Only if you make me a coffee after.” 

“You’ve got yourself a deal, darling.” 

The mattress dipped and Brian felt them shuffle off. He kept his eyes closed until their voices faded down the hall. Only then did he turn and face the wall, staring at it as his thoughts took over.

God, he was so tired, on every level. His body hurt, aches and pains in places he couldn’t explain on top of the ones that he could. There was a perpetual dark cloud hanging over his head, he could practically feel it weighing down on him.

He wished things were different, but he didn’t even know where to begin making a change. Everything took too much effort and was far too complicated for his brain when he was like this. He was sure that he was perpetually falling behind in a race where he didn’t know the rules.

Brian was vaguely aware that he drifted in and out of sleep throughout the day, just as he was vaguely aware that each of the boys would take turns coming in and spending a bit of time with him. One time he woke up pressed against Freddie’s chest, fingers curled tightly in his shirt. Brian just nuzzled in deeper and let himself drift back to sleep.

A few hours later when Brian woke up he felt weirdly hot. He tried to roll away from the heat but found that he couldn’t. Upon opening his eyes, Brian saw that it was John who was plastered against his front, while Roger was clinging to his back. From what Brian could tell, they had both fallen asleep, and he was thankful. It meant he wouldn’t have to face them yet. 

Brian stretched and got up on wobbly legs to shuffle to the bathroom. When he came back out moments later, as luck would have it, Roger was sitting up in bed. He couldn't suppress a groan as he dropped his head, climbing back in and turning his back to Roger while he tried to disappear under the covers, still not ready to face him.

“I guess that means you don’t want to talk?”

“Guess so,” Brian grumbled.

His heart broke at the way he was treating Roger. In reality, Brian wanted nothing more than to climb onto his lap and whisper his apologies while promising him that he was going to do better, try harder. But Brian knew he couldn’t do that. He screwed his eyes shut at the thought, he’d always be a disappointment to them. It was part of who he was, a perpetual cycle that he was caught in. Assuming they’d survive the storm this time around, Brian couldn’t imagine making them go through all of his bullshit yet again further down the road. The way it was bound to happen.

Part of him was convinced it would be better if he just left: the flat, the band, the relationship, everything. They would still have each other and Brian could go off and make sure he never put anyone through this again. He tried to hold back a sob at the thought, but it escaped his throat nonetheless.

Roger immediately scrambled to lay beside him and gathered Brian in his arms. Brian couldn’t help but melt back into the safe comfort that Roger provided, and his heart broke a little more. Who was he kidding? He could never leave, he was barely hanging on by a thread as it was. There was no way Brian would survive without the three of them, he was sure of it.

The next day went on much in the same way, only with Brian managing to work himself into an even more irritated state. He felt so useless, lying there as if he was broken. He wasn’t! Not physically, anyway. His legs still worked and he wasn’t missing any fingers or toes, yet Brian couldn’t fathom the simple idea of getting out of bed.

With a frustrated groan he rolled over, the fact that the bed was empty made him more grumpy. Even though he didn’t particularly want to talk to any of his boyfriends, or look them in the eye, he did like having them nearby. Brian wasn’t sure how they did it, but sometimes just their presence was able to quiet his mind a little.

He sighed, it was stupid for him to wish for them to constantly be by his side. Especially when he got like this. Brian couldn’t expect them to spend every moment with him and really, he didn’t want them to. Except for when he did. 

Brian let out another frustrated sigh, he constantly felt like he was being pulled apart - having one opinion then flip-flopping over to another and then back again. It was as though his mind was pacing and he couldn’t get it to stop. He pressed his palms against his eyes, hard enough to see stars dancing behind his closed lids. It didn’t help.

“Brian?” Freddie’s voice came through softly.

Brian brought his hands down and turned his head. He blinked at Freddie, who was just peering around the doorway, “We’re heading to that meeting with the record label tonight. Are you coming, darling?”

Brian swallowed as he thought of the amount of effort that would require. His stomach tightened at the thought alone. He closed his eyes and shook his head, “I don’t think I can,” He whispered, hating himself.

“It’s okay, love. That’s why I asked.”

Freddie came through the door to sit beside him on the bed and squeezed Brian’s arm.

“Do you want one of us to stay back with you?”

Brian groaned at the idea of one of them staying back just to babysit him as if he really was useless.

“No, go.” He grit out through clenched teeth.

“You’ll be okay?”

Brian cracked an eye open if only to convince Freddie, “I’ll be fine. Just tired.”

Freddie smiled sadly at him and brought his lips down to Brian’s cheek. “I love you, Brimi,” He whispered.

Brian took in a breath and tried to relax a little, “I love you, too.”

“I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah,” Brian mumbled, burying his face back into the pillow as Freddie got up and walked out.

A few hours later, Brian woke up to a quiet flat and relief washed over him, if the boys were still all gone he could be miserable in peace. He stared at the ceiling as the flat slowly sank into darkness before finally being able to muster up the energy to leave the bed and head to the kitchen.

As he filled the kettle with water, Brian gazed out of their kitchen window. Beyond the lights of London, the few brightest stars could be seen in the sky. 

Oh. 

He'd almost forgotten about stars. Brian couldn't remember the last time he'd actually gone out to see them, not that there was much to see in the city, but a little was better than none. He set the kettle aside and made his way to the front hall where he shrugged on his coat before heading out the door and up the stairs to the roof of their building.

* * *

  
As John drove the three of them home from the meeting with their record label, Roger managed to smoke his way through three cigarettes. He was irritated and tired, and really just wanted to see Brian, hating that they left him alone at the flat. 

It wasn't that Roger didn't trust him but, historically, Brian didn't make the best decisions when he was alone while in a dark headspace, and Roger knew he'd never be able to live with himself if something happened while they were gone. Once he laid eyes on Brian, he would feel a little better. In the meantime, he worried a little and smoked a lot.

"I wish Brian could've come," John said with a sad sigh. Roger and Freddie hummed their agreement. "And that I knew how to help him."

"We all do, love," Freddie assured him, reaching over from the back seat to squeeze his arm.

"You two do, though. He's obviously comfortable going to both of you - and I'm not upset that he's not come to me," John quickly clarified. "But I just hate seeing him like this, and I wish I could help more but he hasn't come to talk to me and I don't if I should say something or if that would be overstepping…" He let his sentence trail off, not wanting to let his rambling get out of control.

"He won't come talk to you until he's ready, sweetheart. Our Brimi's a thinker, not a talker, you mustn't take it personally."

John locked eyes with Freddie in the rearview mirror for a moment and gave him a thankful smile. “Do we know if he’s gone through something like this before?” He knew Brian was prone to melancholy, but this was an entirely different level. 

“Sort of,” Roger kept his answer deliberately vague as he sighed and stared out the passenger side window, it wasn’t his place to divulge Brian’s past. “But I've only seen the aftermath.”

“Never the storm,” Freddie murmured.

Roger shook his head and fiddled with the sunglasses hanging off of his nose. The last slivers of sunlight had disappeared beyond the horizon, but that wasn't going to stop him from wearing them. Another layer of protection between him and the world.

“I have no idea what to do,” John confessed as they turned a corner.

"Me neither," Roger admitted. "I didn't do anything last time. We got pretty focused on the band and he seemed to just…bounce back." He shrugged, "Fuck, I don't know. I don't know how to help him and I feel so fucking useless."

“We just have to keep trying, eventually things will fall back into place.” Freddie tried to comfort.

“You think so?”

“He can’t stay like this forever, Rog. Something’s going to have to give, one way or another.”

Roger sighed as their flat finally came into view, “Yeah, I just hope it’s the right way.”

When they made it inside, Roger went straight towards their room, ready to climb into bed and curl around Brian. Freddie and John wandered to the kitchen after sparing a concerned glance in Roger’s direction. They barely had time to reach the kettle, mysteriously sitting on the counter half-full, when they heard Roger shriek, his footsteps flying down the hall.

He came to an abrupt stop by their side, eyes peeking into the sitting room when he asked, “Have you seen Brian?"

"He's not still in bed?" John asked.

Roger shook his head, his lips pressed together in a thin line as he tried not to let his worry show, his mind immediately jumping to the worst possible scenario.

"Have you checked the bathroom?" Freddie walked into the sitting room to make sure it was indeed empty as he asked.

"I looked everywhere." 

He knew they should've forced Brian to come with them, or maybe try to reschedule for the upcoming week. Panic started rising in his chest, Brian said he'd be okay but they should've known better -  _ Roger  _ should have known better.

John's voice interrupted his spiralling thoughts, "He's on the roof."

Roger furrowed his brows, "How do you know?"

"The kettle's out, I think he was going to make tea but you can see the stars from here," He tipped his head towards the window, "He hasn't been outside in days. Where else does he go when he wants to be alone and look at the sky?"

"The roof," Freddie murmured, as the puzzle pieces fell into place.

Roger's heart raced as he pounded up the stairs and his biggest fear flashed before his eyes - images of Brian being nothing but a dot on the sidewalk below, and it would be his fault.

It would be Roger's fault for leaving him behind, even when he knew Brian was vulnerable; even when he knew the kind of heinous things Brian's mind spat at him; even when he knew of Brian's past. Roger had still left him alone, and if something happened to Brian it would be on his shoulders, he was the one who pushed him this far, after all.

He was vaguely aware of Freddie and John trailing half a floor behind him, their footsteps echoing beyond the blood pumping in his ears. Pushing the door to the roof open, Roger ran out and immediately looked around for Brian, his stomach in knots and his chest heaving.

He saw Brian standing to his right, back turned to the door and head tipped up to the stars. 

Typical. 

Relief flooded Roger's body and he sprinted over, only catching Brian's attention seconds before colliding into him and pulling him closer than he'd ever held anyone in his life. The momentum of Roger's embrace had Brian stumbling back a few steps with a small  _ oof _ as the breath was knocked out of him.

"You fucking scared me!" Roger spat, looking up at Brian through the unshed tears that blurred his vision.

"What?"

"You don't leave the bed for two days and when I go to look for you, you're not fucking there anymore!" Roger's bottom lip wobbled as his chest tightened now that all of his emotions were dropping. He choked back a sob, "I thought -- _ fuck, Bri! - _ \- after everything we talked about I thought, something happened and it would be my fault. Oh my god." 

He buried his face in Brian's chest and took a few deep breaths to try to calm down.

As Freddie and John arrived, Roger refused to pull back, not ready to let go.

"You gave us a bit of a fright, darling," Freddie said, reaching over Roger to place a kiss on Brian's lips.

"I wasn't thinking," Brian murmured, "I just really needed some air. I didn't mean to worry you."

"It's okay," John comforted, coming up on Brian's other side to steal a kiss of his own. "We're glad you're safe. And out of bed," He added with a soft smile.

The four of them stood huddled together a little longer, arms tight around each other as their breathing fell in sync. Brian closed his eyes as he rested his cheek against the top of John's head, enjoying the warmth his body provided in contrast to the cold night air around them. 

Soon, Freddie started shivering, "Why don't we go inside and actually make that cup of tea?" He suggested, peeling himself away, knowing someone had to be the first to do so.

"You guys go," Roger said, finally looking up from Brian's chest and acknowledging the other two, "I want to talk to Bri. If that's okay?"

Brian gave him a small nod and Freddie smiled his understanding.

"Of course, darling. Come join us whenever you're ready." He squeezed Roger's shoulder before turning to leave.

John pressed a kiss to both Roger and Brian's cheeks before catching up with Freddie as they headed for the warmth of their flat.

Roger watched as the door closed behind them before turning his attention back to Brian.

"I really didn't mean to scare you," Brian said softly, his eyes filled with guilt.

Waving him off with a shake of his head, Roger brought his hands up to cup Brian's face, "I need you to know that I'm trying my best, Bri. I know I don't always say the right things." When Brian smiled wryly in response, Roger couldn't help but trace the curve of his lips with his thumb.

"I don't say the right things either," He placed a gentle kiss on the pad of Roger's thumb before taking a breath and continuing, "I'm sorry for what I said to you at practice."

"I know, I am too," Roger whispered, his voice cracking. "Why do I feel like I don't know how to take care of you? I'm not intuitive about emotions the way Freddie is, and I don't have the relatable life experience that John does."

Brian's arms tightened around him, "You don't need to be any of those things because Freddie and John are already doing them. Besides, there's nothing anyone can do for me."

" _ Brian _ ," Roger's heart broke and he felt the sting of tears come back to his eyes.

Brian just gave a defeated shrug, and it made Roger want to try harder. There had to be something he could do to show Brian that he wasn't alone in this.

"What if -- What if we took a bath together?" He asked, thinking back to Brian's anguish over his unkept curls. "I could wash your hair, get rid of all the tangles for you, hold you close."

"Rog, I don't have the energy to shower, especially for how long that would take." Brian protested.

“I didn’t say shower, did I?” Roger pulled his arms tightly around Brian, trying to shield him from the world as best as he could. “I said bath. You won’t have to do anything, just sit there with me and let me take care of you. I’ll be gentle with your hair and we can use Freddie’s fancy soap, I know you like it.”

“Minimal effort?”

“Maximum reward,” Roger confirmed softly. “I’ll be with you the whole time.”

Brian closed his eyes and nodded, letting out a shaky, "Okay."

Roger smiled, "I'm proud of you."

Brian tried to chuckle it off, "Well, I've not done it yet."

"But you will." Without giving him time to argue, Roger continued, "Can we go back inside now? I don't think I can feel my nose anymore." He scrunched it for extra effect.

Brian laughed softly and shook his head before leaning forward to place a kiss on the tip of his nose, "I'll warm it up for you."

He went in for a second one, but Roger tilted his head at the last second, brushing their lips together.

"Sneaky," Brian murmured with a grin.

Roger shot him a wink before pulling him home to Freddie and John.

* * *

When Brian opened his eyes the next morning he was greeted by Roger's face only inches away from his, a soft smile playing on his lips.

"Good morning," He murmured, placing a kiss on Brian's forehead.

Brian hummed contently in response before teasing, "Were you watching me sleep? Creep."

Roger chuckled and gave him another kiss, this one on his nose, "It's the only time you look angelic and actually  _ are _ angelic."

"Thank you?"

With a smile Roger settled his head on Brian's shoulder, with an arm and a leg thrown over him, of course, and looked up at him, "Still feeling like trying for that bath?"

"Later?"

Stretching a little, Roger planted a few kisses on Brian's neck, "When later?" He murmured, "This afternoon?"

Beneath him, Brian took a deep breath, "Yeah - yeah, alright."

They spent a few moments lying together, Roger quietly smiling over what he hoped would become a victory. He debated getting up and getting his day started, but he didn’t want to leave Brian alone if he needed him.

“What do you need from me, love?”

“Need to sleep. You don’t have to stay,” Brian mumbled, his eyelids growing heavier by the second, “But could you, maybe, come wake me up?”

“Of course. I’ll stay until you fall asleep, and I’ll be here to wake you up. Promise.”

Brian fell asleep again almost instantly, and once Roger was sure he wouldn’t notice him leave, he carefully disentangled himself and got up, making sure to tuck Brian in carefully before leaving the room. Roger busied himself with chores around the flat that needed to be done when Freddie and John came home not quite an hour later.

“How is he?” John asked, putting the kettle on.

Roger shrugged, “He’s alright, I suppose. I did convince him to take a bath with me later, so I’ll have to go wake him up in a couple hours.”

When the afternoon rolled around, Roger made his way back to their bedroom with a warm cup of coffee for Brian to wake up to. He set it down on the nightstand and then sat beside Brian. What Roger really wanted to do was lie down and take Brian in his arms again but he knew if he did that there was no way he would want to get back up. And Brian needed him.

“Brimi?” Nothing. “Wake up, baby.” 

Roger started planting little kisses all over Brian’s face and was rewarded with a small, sleepy smile. 

“I brought you a coffee.”

“Thank you,” Brian murmured, voice still rough with sleep.

He hadn’t bothered to open his eyes, part of him was hoping that sleep would just take over again, that maybe Roger’s voice and his soft lips were just a dream that would last forever. He could stay like this, Brian thought happily. He was wrapped up warm, Roger was speaking to him in a low, gentle voice, and he could hear John and Freddie talking from the other room. The smell of coffee curled up to meet his nose and Brian sighed. If he just left his mind blank, he could fool himself into thinking that he truly was happy.

But, of course, nothing lasts forever and he eventually did have to crack open his eyes. Roger was smiling down at him, soft and sweet, his blue eyes glued to Brian’s face.

“Good morning.”

“It’s not morning anymore.”

“It’s morning whenever you wake up.” Roger passed Brian his cup of coffee, “Here you go. Drink up.”

Brian sat up against the headboard, accepting the offered drink and taking a satisfying sip. He knew he was going to need all the energy the coffee had to offer. 

Once Roger was satisfied that Brian wouldn’t drift back to sleep, he spoke up, “Bath time?”

Brian nodded, he knew he needed it. Especially after the weekend he’d had. Roger gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“I’ll go draw it and come get you when it’s ready. Alright?”

Brian nodded again and watched Roger disappear into the hall. He let his head fall back with a thunk. He still felt like shit, more so than usual. His outburst had really drained him, despite the fact that he’d already had a full day to recover. His eyes were still a little swollen from all the crying, and they were dry and itchy. 

His headache was back, which he knew all too well was his own fault, thanks to too much crying and not enough water. He figured he should probably be drinking water instead of his coffee but he needed the energy and his hair was still getting on his nerves. The grease that had settled on his scalp since he'd last washed it (a week ago? Maybe more. He’d lost track) was making his head itchy.

He had just taken his last sip of the coffee when Roger returned to help him face the rest of the day.

Once in the bathroom, Roger was gentle with Brian, taking the time to peel his shirt off for him and help him out of his pants before guiding him into the tub.

“You said you’d come in with me,” Brian whined.

Roger grinned and let out an amused chuckle, “Yeah, hang on. I don’t think you want me in there with all my clothes on, do you?”

Brian huffed, he hadn’t even noticed that Roger was still dressed. When Roger finally climbed in behind him, Brian rested back against his chest and sunk into the warm water. Roger had sprinkled lavender-scented salts into the water along with just enough bubbles to cover the surface. His arms wrapped around Brian’s waist immediately and he somehow managed to rest his chin atop the disaster that was Brian’s head.

“Take a deep breath for me, love. I’ve got you.”

"Thanks," Brian murmured.

He was dreading having Roger try to work through the mess of his curls but he knew it needed to be done, and he was thankful he wouldn’t have to try to work through all of the knots on his own. His arms often got tired and he would give up halfway through. But he knew Roger wouldn’t give up on him.

“I know you’ll never cut your hair,” Roger said, and Brian could hear the grin in his voice. He had gotten Brian’s hair wet to help with the detangling and was now trying to part a section of it with a comb. “But it sure wouldn’t get this tangled if you did.”

“You don’t know that I wouldn’t cut it,” Brian mumbled, his eyes half-closed.

“Yes, I do. You love having it played with far too much to ever cut it.”

"Maybe -  _ ow _ !" Brian hissed.

"Sorry, sorry," Roger kissed Brian's head, "This is a nasty one, I'll be more gentle."

"No it's - it's fine," Brian could feel the flush creeping up on his chest.

Roger was right, Brian could never bear to cut his hair. There were few things he loved more than having someone run their fingers over his scalp, or even when they gave his curls a gentle tug.

"Rog," Freddie called, amused, before opening the door and poking his head in. "Are you hurting our poor Brimi?"

Roger laughed, "He can take it."

Brian whipped his head around to glare at Roger but he just gave him a wink and a kiss on the nose.

Freddie looked on with a knowing smirk, "Well if you pulling his hair is going to get him all worked up please share. We miss you, darling."

Brian knew the last part was addressed to him, but he was too embarrassed by Freddie's first statement for it to register, "Go away, Fred," he said, closing his eyes and sinking deeper into the water.

Brian heard him chuckle as he listened to his footsteps retreating down the hall. 

Behind him, Roger laughed, "You are getting all worked up, aren't you?"

Brian pouted, "Yeah but not enough to do anything about it."

“That’s okay,” Roger kissed his temple. “Let’s keep going, yeah?”

With a lot of effort on his part, Roger was eventually able to comb through all of Brian’s tangles, their fingers and toes were wrinkled by the time the pair was ready to get out of the bath.

“Just soak here for another minute or so. I’m going to jump out and get dressed and then I’ll grab a nice fluffy towel for you before I come get you.”

“You won’t be long?” Brian was getting tired and he instinctively brought his knees up to his chest to curl up on himself. His wet, and freshly clean, hair was plastered down his back and longer than he was used to since the water weighed his curls down.

“I’ll just be a tick, I promise.” Roger gave his shoulders a squeeze and hopped out of the tub.

Brian gazed at him as he gave his body a cursory pat dry with a towel before tossing it in their hamper as he sauntered his way out the door. A smile tugged at Brian’s lips while watching Roger’s naked body disappear down the hall. He rested his head on his knees and closed his eyes as he listened to the familiar sounds of their flat. Distantly, he could hear Freddie’s quiet singing, which meant that he was probably in the kitchen - inevitably making a mess. 

Roger came back in wearing nothing but a pair of checkered pyjama pants that Brian was sure belonged to John, while carrying Brian’s favourite towel, black with shooting stars across it, and an old t-shirt.

Roger set the t-shirt down on the side of the sink and held up the towel. Brian didn’t need any more coaxing than that to get out of the bath and once he stepped out Roger wrapped him in the towel and started drying him off.

“It’s warm,” Brian said, surprised.

Roger grinned, “Yeah, Deaky had it hanging by the fire for you.” He hooked the towel around Brian’s hips when he was done and grabbed the t-shirt as he gestured to the toilet, “Have a seat.”

“Why?” Brian asked, but settled down anyway.

Roger swatted at him playfully, “Because you’re too bloody tall for me to reach your head properly. Now turn around so I can dry those luscious locks of yours.”

Brian did as he was told, but not without questions, “Why are you using a t-shirt to dry my hair?”

“The cotton helps control frizz.”

Brian twisted around to peer up at Roger, “How do you know that? You have no frizz.”

Roger just winked at him, “Exactly.”

There was no time for Brian to argue before Roger brought his lips down against his for a warm kiss.

“I love you, you know,” Roger murmured against his lips.

Brian’s heart squeezed, “Even when I get like this?”

It was hard for Brian to love himself even in the best of times, he couldn’t imagine anyone still being in love with him after seeing him like this.

“Even when you get like this,” Roger confirmed, pulling away. “I love you always, Brimi.”

They fell into a comfortable silence as Roger worked to dry off Brian’s hair, carefully squeezing the water out to let the curls keep their natural shape.

“What are you doing?” Brian asked when he felt Roger start tugging on smaller sections. 

He went to turn around to look him in the eye, but Roger stopped him and kept working on his hair.

“I know you always say it hurts your head when you tie it up, but I’ve noticed that leaving it down distresses you, and when you're distressed you pull on it.”

"I don't pull it," Brian mumbled weakly.

" _ Brian _ ," Roger sighed. "Look, I think the perfect solution would be for us to braid it. It won’t tug on your scalp but it won’t fall in your face to bother you either.”

Brian considered, “But you don’t know how to braid hair.”

“What do you think I’m doing right now? Genius.”

“Oh. Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you know how?” Brian clarified.

“Ah. I have a sister and long hair. Besides, they’re very practical sometimes.”

They fell into another comfortable silence as Roger worked swiftly to finish up the braid.

“There we go, all done. How does it feel?”

Brian brought his fingers up to trace the braid and loosen any strands that were tugging uncomfortably, though there weren’t many. “Good, thanks.”

Roger kissed the top of his head, “Any time, baby. How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Brian answered honestly.

“Right then, back to bed,” Roger said, pulling him up by the elbow before lacing their hands together and dragging Brian to their bedroom.

Brian tried to protest, “But I’ve been sleeping all weekend. I should do something.”

“Do you _want_ to do something?”

“Not really, but I feel like I should. I’m just wasting the day away.”

“You’re not wasting anything by listening to what your body needs, Bri. You want to rest some more? Then come rest with us before we get you back on your feet tomorrow.”

Freddie and John were already in bed when Brian and Roger walked in. John was sitting up against the headboard keeping Freddie close to his chest.

“Oh, there you are, darlings!” Freddie flashed them a bright smile, “I’m not used to having just one other body in bed anymore, it was getting cold without you.”

Brian shed the towel that was still hanging around his hips before dropping himself into bed, face-first on his pillow as he grumbled. Somehow he was still tired.

Roger climbed in beside him and pulled the covers up before half-sprawling over Brian's back. Freddie and John settled down on his other side, Freddie tucked neatly beneath John's chin, his back pressed as close as possible to his chest.

"We love you, Brian," John murmured.

Brian turned his head and cracked his eyes open, both John and Freddie were smiling softly at him. "I love you all."

* * *

When Brian woke up the flat was dark and quiet - they must have slept through the evening. Lying there, Brian had expected to at least feel a little better after a warm bath and spending quality time with Roger, but instead, he found that he still felt quite empty.

Carefully, he wiggled out of his place between Roger, who looked like he was drooling on his pillow, and Freddie, who was snoring so loudly Brian wouldn't be surprised if that's what had woken him up in the first place. Not wanting to wake the others Brian searched for some clothes in the dark, pulling on the first pair of jogging pants and t-shirt he could find, before padding down the hall. The cuddle pile had left him feeling overheated, so Brian grabbed his coat and headed up to the roof to get some fresh air.

He made his way to the edge, where the stone was built up high enough for him to be able to somewhat comfortably lean over and rest his elbows on. Brian propped his chin in his hands and looked up, letting his eyes slowly adjust to the darkness of the sky as he started picking out constellations.

It was easy to get lost in something as vast as the cosmos as the cool breeze pulled at loose strands of his hair. He wondered what was beyond all the things he couldn't see; there was an infinite amount to discover out there, surely there had to be something, somewhere that could help him escape the hollow feeling that haunted him. Then again, perhaps that was all just wishful thinking.

Brian had no idea how much time had passed until Freddie's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Brian?"

He straightened up and turned his head just as Freddie arrived next to him, bundled in his coat and scarf. Brian could still see the imprint of a creased sheet on Freddie's cheek and he smiled softly. "Hi."

"I just wanted to come up and see how you were doing," Freddie said, returning his smile.

Brian shrugged, "I don't know," There was never an easy way to describe the way he felt. He could never seem to find the right words.

"That's alright," Freddie comforted.

They let the sounds of the city take over as conversation lulled and they stood comfortably in each other's company.

“Can I ask you something very personal?” Freddie asked, eventually breaking their silence.

Brian nodded, chewing at his bottom lip. 

Upon seeing his nervous tick, Freddie reached for him, giving his cold fingers a warm and gentle squeeze, “Roger was terrified that you would jump. I mean, he didn't say anything, but he's very bad at hiding his emotions, the poor dear.” Freddie cast his gaze down to the pavement below them, barely lit by the streetlights. His stomach did a little flip at the height. "Does it ever cross your mind?"

The question hung in the air and Brian knew he couldn’t lie, not to Freddie.

“Every time I’m up here.”

“What stops you?”

Brian shrugged, “Lots of things. It seems like a painful way to die, for one. And I know it doesn't really solve anything, I just get so overwhelmed sometimes.”

“You’ve tried before, haven’t you?” Freddie’s voice was gentle and soft.

“What makes you say that?”

Freddie reached up to cup both of Brian's cheeks with his hands, getting their eyes to meet. “People who go through similar experiences tend to recognize it within each other.”

“You tried?”

“A few times. When I was much younger and things were very different.”

Brian blinked, it suddenly made sense that Freddie seemed to be the most empathetic. “But you’re still here.”

“I’m still here,” Freddie confirmed, shifting his arms to rest around Brian's neck. “For you, yeah?”

Brian nodded, “Yeah. I know.”

Freddie pressed their lips together before saying,  “I know you would never jump, Brian. I know there’s a part of you that still wants to be here, and that part will always come through.”

“Thank you, Freddie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! Please let me know what you thought 💕 
> 
> As always, your guess is as good as mine as for when the next update will come out. I basically have to rewrite the entirety of the next chapters so it'll probably take me a bit 😅 but I really appreciate everyone who's tagged along so far 💗


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